palmer is brilliant. actually, i'm not sure if it was his idea, but i'm just going to pretend it was. he gave me this idea, so i made a cd last night, from a playlist on my itunes,
with this intention/goal:
you can only listen to one cd for the rest of your life. it has to be 80 minutes long. make this cd.
this is my cd, trial one:
1/ the beatles, eleanor rigby
2/ brand new, the quiet things that no one ever knows
3/ brand new, jesus christ
4/ brand new, soco amaretto lime
5/ death cab for cutie, marching bands of manhattan
6/ death cab for cutie, brothers on a hotel bed
7/ death cab for cutie, transatlanticism
8/ imogen heap, hide and seek
9/ jack johnson, do you remember
10/ jump, little children, close your eyes
11/ manchester orchestra, where have you been
12/ the postal service, the district sleeps alone tonight
13/ secret lives, make like a door and shut up
14/ secret lives, a song of hope
15/ secret lives, how to beat a dead horse
16/ the spill canvas, the tide
17/ sufjan stevens, concerning the ufo sighting near highland, illinois
18/ sufjan stevens, john wayne gacy, jr.
i'm kindof impressed with how well it turned out. i can actually stand listening to it over and over. but what i'm planning on doing, is listening to only this cd, until i realize what songs i need to add/remove. this is trial one. i'm predicting at least 3 or 4 more trials until i get it "perfect". i'll keep everyone updated on how things are going. but i've already realized that i can live without the spill canvas. i keep skipping that song. also, i foresee having to have a bigger variety of genres, because this cd has a great sound, but i don't think i could live with it forever. i need variety.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
He is risen,
He is risen, indeed!
Today was unexplainable. I went to the shack for their easter service, and amazing doesn't even begin to describe it. god is so real to me in that place, sitting in an old house with people on couches and fold up chairs, with the water in the fishtank gurgling in the background, and a guy standing up with a bible teaching, and then eating lots of food that people cooked and brought, or cooked in the kitchen of the shack before we started, which wasn't on time, but never is, and that's ok, because it feels right not to have such a set in stone schedule for things like that. i realize that what i just wrote was probably a whole paragraph crammed into one sentence, but i'm ok with that. i've gotten through today, with an amazing peace of mind that was obviously not based on circumstances, because crazy doesn't even begin to describe the way my parents have been acting today, but it's been more based on a genuine happiness that has come from such amazing fellowship with all these wonderful people, and a strangely unfamiliar awareness of god's general existence, and presence around me, neither of which i feel comfortable being unfamiliar with, but i realize that things don't always go as planned, and even though god's presence hasn't felt very prominent in my life lately, he hasn't gone anywhere, and things are getting better.
deep breath.
today at shack, towards the end of the teaching, joey? asked us all to bow our heads, and close our eyes. and what he said next caught me completely off guard. he said, i want you all to just imagine... imagine what your life would be like right now if god hadn't played any role in your past, and hadn't affected your lifestyle or your decisions. now, i want you to think about what would fill that place that god fills in your life right now. what would be your god, or maybe has even somewhat become your god right now.
now i realize that his quote has lost some meaning and power on account of my bad memory and misquotation, and also taking into account that you're probably not sitting in the shack right now deep in meditation about the meaning of easter, and our covenant with god, ...but you get the general idea.
i just thought i would get that out there.
i will choose to remember everything good about today, and every laugh i've shared with the people around me, and every conversation that has left me deep in thought, and every word that god has spoken to me today through the most unexpected of sources. i will not let my parents being completely stupid, and heartless, cause me forget any of this.
streams of mercy never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
praise the mount, i'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy unchanging love.
Today was unexplainable. I went to the shack for their easter service, and amazing doesn't even begin to describe it. god is so real to me in that place, sitting in an old house with people on couches and fold up chairs, with the water in the fishtank gurgling in the background, and a guy standing up with a bible teaching, and then eating lots of food that people cooked and brought, or cooked in the kitchen of the shack before we started, which wasn't on time, but never is, and that's ok, because it feels right not to have such a set in stone schedule for things like that. i realize that what i just wrote was probably a whole paragraph crammed into one sentence, but i'm ok with that. i've gotten through today, with an amazing peace of mind that was obviously not based on circumstances, because crazy doesn't even begin to describe the way my parents have been acting today, but it's been more based on a genuine happiness that has come from such amazing fellowship with all these wonderful people, and a strangely unfamiliar awareness of god's general existence, and presence around me, neither of which i feel comfortable being unfamiliar with, but i realize that things don't always go as planned, and even though god's presence hasn't felt very prominent in my life lately, he hasn't gone anywhere, and things are getting better.
deep breath.
today at shack, towards the end of the teaching, joey? asked us all to bow our heads, and close our eyes. and what he said next caught me completely off guard. he said, i want you all to just imagine... imagine what your life would be like right now if god hadn't played any role in your past, and hadn't affected your lifestyle or your decisions. now, i want you to think about what would fill that place that god fills in your life right now. what would be your god, or maybe has even somewhat become your god right now.
now i realize that his quote has lost some meaning and power on account of my bad memory and misquotation, and also taking into account that you're probably not sitting in the shack right now deep in meditation about the meaning of easter, and our covenant with god, ...but you get the general idea.
i just thought i would get that out there.
i will choose to remember everything good about today, and every laugh i've shared with the people around me, and every conversation that has left me deep in thought, and every word that god has spoken to me today through the most unexpected of sources. i will not let my parents being completely stupid, and heartless, cause me forget any of this.
streams of mercy never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
praise the mount, i'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy unchanging love.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
if vivaldi had written words to his four seasons,
i would type them here.
the beach trip saturday was amazing, and everything that i needed as far as a small getaway from the all the stress involved in the last semester of my senior year in high school. it really was a day of relaxation and fun with some amazing friends. we got to spend a few hours on the beach, and eat a late lunch at this really amazing local small restaurant, and spend a little bit of time in downtown charleston. and of course we had a really fun drive, killing time by playing "never have i ever" and a license tag game where you make acronyms for the letters on the tag. and when we weren't doing that we were singing along with some really amazing music. besides barely missing the tornado storm, we had a really great time.
oh, and i also got a really nice sunburn. seriously, i looked like a lobster.
saturday night i went to waffle house with cass and kristen and some other people, and we drank coffee and killed time, like we always do when there's nothing else to do, which is pretty much all the time, since we live in bfe.
other than that, my life has been going pretty good lately. my mom and i are still kindof on rough terms, but leave it to fafsa to bring us together. we sat on her bed with my computer for an hour and a half tonight filling out a fafsa form online, only to find out that we had been filling out an application on the wrong fafsa site, and this one charged a fee. so we're going to do the right one tomorrow after i get out of school. but we sat on her bed and talked for a little bit after we wasted an hour and a half on the wrong fafsa site. i think things in our relationship are getting better, or at least i'd like to hope so. she worries too much for me, and it's only because she wants to help. there's only so much she can do to help me out with college things, and after that, it's all my problem. we're both starting to realize that, and it's helping the stress and tension in our relationship a whole bunch.
things are getting better.
the beach trip saturday was amazing, and everything that i needed as far as a small getaway from the all the stress involved in the last semester of my senior year in high school. it really was a day of relaxation and fun with some amazing friends. we got to spend a few hours on the beach, and eat a late lunch at this really amazing local small restaurant, and spend a little bit of time in downtown charleston. and of course we had a really fun drive, killing time by playing "never have i ever" and a license tag game where you make acronyms for the letters on the tag. and when we weren't doing that we were singing along with some really amazing music. besides barely missing the tornado storm, we had a really great time.
oh, and i also got a really nice sunburn. seriously, i looked like a lobster.
saturday night i went to waffle house with cass and kristen and some other people, and we drank coffee and killed time, like we always do when there's nothing else to do, which is pretty much all the time, since we live in bfe.
other than that, my life has been going pretty good lately. my mom and i are still kindof on rough terms, but leave it to fafsa to bring us together. we sat on her bed with my computer for an hour and a half tonight filling out a fafsa form online, only to find out that we had been filling out an application on the wrong fafsa site, and this one charged a fee. so we're going to do the right one tomorrow after i get out of school. but we sat on her bed and talked for a little bit after we wasted an hour and a half on the wrong fafsa site. i think things in our relationship are getting better, or at least i'd like to hope so. she worries too much for me, and it's only because she wants to help. there's only so much she can do to help me out with college things, and after that, it's all my problem. we're both starting to realize that, and it's helping the stress and tension in our relationship a whole bunch.
things are getting better.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
it's a great feeling to know
that all of the shit we've been through together has left us with such an irreplaceable friendship.
i had possibly the most meaningful conversation of my life tonight. actually, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was the most meaningful and helpful, and uplifting conversation i've ever had.
the past has such a strange power to control the present. it can haunt us, and leave us in such a depressed state of mind, or it can be used as such a great tool to help us move forward to bigger and better things. i've been in both situations, and i have to say, that i'm glad that the latter is where i am now, and am choosing to be in the future. i've been controlled by my past before, and found that it's no way to live my life. dwelling on past relationships, or past circumstances, or all the "what if's" that the past tries to throw at us, is a sad situation to be in. i've been there, and i've done some pretty stupid things to try to get rid of or forget my past, but i'm at a different place in my life now.
now i look back at my past in such a different manner. i'm so glad that i'm at a point in my life, where i can look back at things that have happened, and some not so great choices that i've made, and realize that they have shaped me into the person i am today, and that they've left me with such amazing friends, and opened up so many great opportunities for me. i see the person i could be right now, and the situations i could be in, and by that i appreciate all of the good and bad times that have brought me to this point.
i'll look back, with honor
and no regrets
i won't be mad, won't feel bad
these memories will never leave me
don't be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
it's getting too late
tomorrow is here
i've come so far from the person i was a year or two ago, and i look back, not with a "what was i thinking" attitude, but an appreciative one. i am so thankful for the good and bad times that have taught me so much about life, love, friendship, and happiness. i can't imagine what kind of life i would have if a change of events in the past would've kept me from meeting any of my friends that i rely on so much now, on a daily basis for my sanity and security. i'm thankful for everything that has brought me to where i am today. i have amazing friends, who are not merely acquaintances, but more like family, who i love and can trust with my life.
there's one person who i have grown to love on such an amazing level, who i would like to address:
i've told you this. but every time that i tell you i love you, i'm not simply repeating a nice phrase to be paired with "goodbye" when talking on the phone, nor am i speaking words of no substance. every time i say i love you, i am telling you that you are a friend i couldn't have lived without in the past, and one i can't live without now. i am reminding you that i will be there not for you, but with you, in the good times and the bad. and i'm telling you that as a friend, i completely trust you, and support you in whatever decisions you make in the future. i won't hesitate to tell you when you're doing something stupid, and know that you'll do the same for me. every time i tell you that i love you, i mean it.
i had possibly the most meaningful conversation of my life tonight. actually, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was the most meaningful and helpful, and uplifting conversation i've ever had.
the past has such a strange power to control the present. it can haunt us, and leave us in such a depressed state of mind, or it can be used as such a great tool to help us move forward to bigger and better things. i've been in both situations, and i have to say, that i'm glad that the latter is where i am now, and am choosing to be in the future. i've been controlled by my past before, and found that it's no way to live my life. dwelling on past relationships, or past circumstances, or all the "what if's" that the past tries to throw at us, is a sad situation to be in. i've been there, and i've done some pretty stupid things to try to get rid of or forget my past, but i'm at a different place in my life now.
now i look back at my past in such a different manner. i'm so glad that i'm at a point in my life, where i can look back at things that have happened, and some not so great choices that i've made, and realize that they have shaped me into the person i am today, and that they've left me with such amazing friends, and opened up so many great opportunities for me. i see the person i could be right now, and the situations i could be in, and by that i appreciate all of the good and bad times that have brought me to this point.
i'll look back, with honor
and no regrets
i won't be mad, won't feel bad
these memories will never leave me
don't be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
it's getting too late
tomorrow is here
i've come so far from the person i was a year or two ago, and i look back, not with a "what was i thinking" attitude, but an appreciative one. i am so thankful for the good and bad times that have taught me so much about life, love, friendship, and happiness. i can't imagine what kind of life i would have if a change of events in the past would've kept me from meeting any of my friends that i rely on so much now, on a daily basis for my sanity and security. i'm thankful for everything that has brought me to where i am today. i have amazing friends, who are not merely acquaintances, but more like family, who i love and can trust with my life.
there's one person who i have grown to love on such an amazing level, who i would like to address:
i've told you this. but every time that i tell you i love you, i'm not simply repeating a nice phrase to be paired with "goodbye" when talking on the phone, nor am i speaking words of no substance. every time i say i love you, i am telling you that you are a friend i couldn't have lived without in the past, and one i can't live without now. i am reminding you that i will be there not for you, but with you, in the good times and the bad. and i'm telling you that as a friend, i completely trust you, and support you in whatever decisions you make in the future. i won't hesitate to tell you when you're doing something stupid, and know that you'll do the same for me. every time i tell you that i love you, i mean it.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
but even at our swiftest speed, we couldn't break from the concrete
in the city where we still reside
i just completely bombed my audition. i did almost perfect on the chopin prelude, but the mozart fantasy was horrible. i played completely wrong notes on parts that i've never messed up on before. the runs and arpeggios were a complete fucking disaster. the sightreading piece was incredibly easy, and under normal circumstances i would've played it perfectly, but i ruined it. i'm trying really hard not to beat myself up over this, but i fucked up really bad. i definitely didn't play my best, by far. actually, i don't know if i've ever played that bad before in my life. it was fucking horrible. i'll be extremely surprised if i get an acceptance letter. but there's nothing i can do about it now, just wait for the spring semester so i can reaudition.
i'm so stressed out right now. i really can't believe that this just happened.
i feel sick, and i've been shaking since i got out of the audition almost 2 hours ago.
i'm completely fucking disgusted with myself right now.
i just completely bombed my audition. i did almost perfect on the chopin prelude, but the mozart fantasy was horrible. i played completely wrong notes on parts that i've never messed up on before. the runs and arpeggios were a complete fucking disaster. the sightreading piece was incredibly easy, and under normal circumstances i would've played it perfectly, but i ruined it. i'm trying really hard not to beat myself up over this, but i fucked up really bad. i definitely didn't play my best, by far. actually, i don't know if i've ever played that bad before in my life. it was fucking horrible. i'll be extremely surprised if i get an acceptance letter. but there's nothing i can do about it now, just wait for the spring semester so i can reaudition.
i'm so stressed out right now. i really can't believe that this just happened.
i feel sick, and i've been shaking since i got out of the audition almost 2 hours ago.
i'm completely fucking disgusted with myself right now.
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