pardon me while i burst into flames

something is seriously wrong with me.

1
you hurt me, very badly. and you don't even realize it. we used to have a decent friendship, but i can't continue to be friends with someone who isn't the slightest bit considerate of my feelings. i know you mean well, but it hurts. it hurts to just sit here and watch you cater to my loneliness. i wish none of this shit would have ever happened, but it's too late now. when are you planning on being realistic with yourself? you're so optimistic, and you keep telling yourself that things will change. well guess what, nothing has changed except you.

2
what the fuck were you thinking? how could you let yourself do this? i sat by and watched you tell yourself time and time again that you wouldn't get in this predicament. well now you're here, so what are you going to do about it? there's no easy fix, i promise.

3
i don't know what to say to you. in the past, you told me numerous times exactly what was bothering me, before i even told you i was upset. do you understand me like you used to, or did you ever even understand me at all?


i never thought i would be...
on the verge of spontaneous combustion...
but i guess that it comes with the territory;
an ominous landscape of never ending calamity.
i need you to hear,
i need you to see that i have had all i can take
and exploding seems like a definite possibility to me.
so pardon me while i burst into flames...
pardon me, pardon me, i'll never be the same.

i'm an old abandoned church

with broken pews,
and empty aisles

i've recently come to the realization that i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i fucked up my first semester of college so badly that i'm going to have to take a 5th year to even graduate. my gpa is 0.867, and there's really no way to fix that. i don't even know if this is worth my time, really. college isn't for everyone, so is it for me? i know i can do it, i know i can push myself to the limit, but at what cost? i spend the next 5 years of my life in college, while trying to work a part time job on the side, graduate with a gpa that will never be good enough because i fucked it up so badly already, and then try to find a full time job to pay back $40,000 worth in student loans. none of that appeals to me. i would much rather find a full time job in a restaurant or something, drop out of college, and actually live my life with no agenda other than work, save money, and spend money.

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life. try to make ends meet, you're a slave to money, then you die.

this is a decision that can drastically alter the rest of my life, and i have no idea what i should do. i'm going insane.

E101.

there's a possibility i could pass.
but there's absolutely no way i can make a ''c or better''.
and for that class to count toward my major,
i need a ''c or better''.
i'm already signed up for it again next semester,
so there's no point in even trying to do the final portfolio.
i'm done with this shit,
there are more important things to worry about than trying to revise two papers, and write two more from scratch,
like my 100L exam tomorrow afternoon,
and my spanish exam tomorrow night.
there are things i can change,
and things beyond my control.
and this is beyond my control at this point.