apathy.

it's amazing how depressed i've become.

it really is.

i've never been this depressed in my life.

i'm becoming more and more convinced that the earth as we know it isn't going to last much longer, and the human race is going to become extinct in the next 3 years.

it's honestly the only thing that i'm really looking forward to.

i just want to find out what kind of horrible tragedies await us.

but really, that's the least of my concern.

i have nothing to look forward to.

i have no promised future,

i have no promised tomorrow.

(not that anyone else does, either)

i don't have any goals that seem to be worth accomplishing.

i can't find a purpose for even being alive.

(but i'm not going to off myself because of this)

it just seems that the days are dragging on,

and i'm only living for the moments when i dapple in happiness.

wherever it's origins might come from on the occasion.

everything else is just inbetween.

waiting for anything to happen.

waiting for a reason to wake up excited about a new day.

instead of dreading being awake.

it's not like there's nothing to do,

there's plenty to keep me busy,

but for what purpose?

just to secure myself financially?

or to ward of depression?

i've lost all joy.

and i can't seem to find any reason

to even open my eyes in the mornings.

i have never felt this apathetic before.

sleeping sickness

i awoke only to find my lungs empty,
and through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
and I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.

and I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
such as living with the uncertainty
that I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain
just how I'm breaking down

someone come and, someone come and save my life
maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
but now it's like the night is taking sides
with all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
could it be this misery will suffice

i've become a simple souvenir of someone's kill
and like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
madness fills my heart and soul,
as if the great divide could swallow me whole
oh, how I'm breaking down

someone come and, someone come and save my life
could it be this misery will suffice.

we've got each other, and that's a lot.

in the past two days my whole life has drastically changed. it's been complete chaos, and it's turning everyone in my family against each other. but it hasn't separated my brother my mom and me. we're alright. or at least we will be. everything is not ok, but it will be eventually. i can't think about that though. i just have to keep reminding myself of my many blessings. 3/4 of my immediate family are hanging in there. my mom is blessed to have the parents she does, and i'm blessed to have them as grandparents.

everything is going to work itself out. it's not going to be pretty, and it's not going to be easy, but change has to happen. all i can do is support my mom in her decisions, and help her the best i can. she's going through more shit right now than i can possibly imagine, but i have faith that she will be a lot happier in the end because of the decisions she's making now.

i don't know that anyone even reads this anymore, but if you happen to be reading this, please keep my family in your prayers. we are all going through a hard time, and dealing with a lot of changes.

there will be peace!

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher,
but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see,
I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think,
I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming,
I can hear them say
Carry on my wayward son,
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more