have been really hard, and i have no idea why.
this is going to be more like a rant than an actual blog.
i need the smell of summer,
i need it's noises in my ear.
i'm starting to realize that i've lost a lot of the drive and ambition that i used to have. it's almost like i'm depressed, but for no one reason. i think that it's just everything that's going on. i'm getting really frustrated with having no money, and needing money to pay for gas, and car insurance, and piano lessons, and other things that i want to buy, like coffee and books. right now my parents are helping me out the best they can, but they flat out told me that they can't pay for these things for me anymore. i need a job, but it's like everywhere i go they're either not hiring, or either they're hiring during the day.
i'm losing my excitement. i'm not really excited about college anymore, i'm just more frustrated than anything, mostly financially. i haven't been filling out scholarship applications, and it's not like i don't feel like i need to, because i know that the only way i'm going to be able to pay for college is with a lot of scholarships, and maybe some financial aid. but i've been so unproductive lately that it scares me. it scares me because i don't feel the need to change it. and this is my last semester of high school also, so i should be ready to put everything aside, and focus on grades, and college, and money. but it's like i can't put my ambitions where i know they should be.
right now the only thing i can really focus on is trying to not be at home as much as possible. it's like my mom runs around the house looking for things that i should be doing, so that she can come in my room and say, hey matthew, you need to do this, and that. and then an hour later she'll come in here again to remind me of something else. and all i can do is wonder how i've become so behind on everything in my life.
i'm still grounded, which i think is playing a key role in all of this depression and stress that i'm going through. it's like there's nothing new going on that seems important to me. i just started new classes for this semester, and i should feel like that's a fresh start, and i should feel like these are all new opportunities, but instead it just gets depressing. i'm ready to get out of high school, because i'm sick of it! i'm sick of everything about it. i don't even think seeing all of these classmates and friends that i've become so familiar with is helping the situation either. i don't want to do this anymore, but i know i have to, and i know that there's only a matter of a few months left.
but it scares me to think about how unprepared i am for what's about to happen. i have no job, and no ambition to get one, even though i know i have to have one... like now.
i really want to move out, but the issue of no job is holding me back from that. and if i did move out, i wouldn't be stupid about it. i would probably get an apartment with rachel in columbia, and just drive to school from there everyday, and get a job there as well. but honestly i have no idea what i'm going to do.
my mom has noticed that something's wrong with me. it's about time. she talked to rachel earlier today and said that she thinks i'm depressed, and she's worried about my school, and she said that she thinks i'm going to end up going to tech. now, i wouldn't mind going to tech, but it's not exactly the drastic change that i've been looking forward to.
maybe i just need a change to all of this monotony in my life right now. rachel said something about going camping at the lake as soon as it starts to warm up a little, and i think that sounds like a great idea. i think what i need right now, is to just get out of the god awful house for a few days, and be able to be on an island in the middle of the lake with my closest friends who i miss so much, and sit around a campfire listening to someone play guitar. that sounds like paradise to me right now.
maybe all of this staying at home so much is just getting to me.
feel like every chance to leave,
is another chance i should have took.
every minute is a mile.
i've never felt so hollow.
i'm an old abandoned church
with broken pews and empty aisles.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
everyone should listen to this
these kinds of things don't happen on accident,
that's all i'm going to say.
http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm
that's all i'm going to say.
http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm
Thursday, January 17, 2008
the process goes so slow
but keep faith,
keep faith.
today was yet another great day, and for that i'm thankful. it started out with a really great lunch with courtney at aron's? deli, where we stuffed our faces with some really great sandwiches dipped in an amazing special sauce. we left there and went to the pet store to get courtney a beta fish, which was a mistake. never, ever, should two people as indecisive as us, be given 30 choices of fish. we were there for at least an hour, looking at fish. we would find one with a big tail, but it would have an ugly face, so we would pick out another one, but the color wouldn't be right.
we finally settled on a nice, medium sized pink one, with a cute face and decent sized fins.
so, after we took hamster [she had already picked out a name] to courtney's dorm room, we went to starbucks and susan and mike met us up there.
eventually, we all ended up back in madison's dorm, and palmer and denton came over too. turns out, madison just bought a bunny yesterday. yes, a real live hopping bunny rabbit, that she named marilyn. it is by far the cutest little bunny i've ever seen, and it's a tanish white color, so madison says that it's blonde. and she's keeping it in her dorm room, which is against the school rules but shouldn't be. so, we all sat in madison's dorm, playing with marilyn, while courtney cooked us all spaghetti. when the food was ready, all of us sat in the kitchen and ate spaghetti. and somehow, we all ended up as a family, and courtney and palmer were the parents, and madison and denton were the neighbors, and susan, me, and mike were the kids. that led to a lot of interesting conversation, about heredity, and sibling love, and sex changes?! that's all i'm going to say.
so, a little more on the serious side, after our epic spaghetti family dinner, i went with courtney, palmer, denton, and madison to shack, and i'm so glad i went. they had house church, and there were ten people there, five of them being us, and we just basically had an open group discussion the whole time. we talked about our breaks from school, and trying to get back into the routine of things, and we talked about reviving our friendships with god, and we prayed, which was the most awesome part of the whole night.
all in all, i'm really excited about the possibility of actually being able to go to shack on a regular basis. i really feel like that's where i'm supposed to be right now, not only because courtney and denton go there, but because it's refreshing. i don't need to be in a church that constantly talks about finances, and is always focused on giving money to in turn, receive from god. that kind of corruption had made me so disgusted with christianity, that i had basically given up. it's only in the past few weeks that i've began trying to rebuild my relationship with god. because up until now, i haven't really been at a place mentally where i actually could begin to try to start over. i mean, how could i have began to justify to myself that christianity is good, when i was still attending a church that just spent $13,000 in tithe money for new chairs and a new sound system, and paint for the sanctuary.
but, all of that behind me, it's refreshing to finally go to a church that focuses on the things that i need to focus on. it's refreshing to go to a church where i don't have to pretend. i can be myself, and not have to worry about someone judging me. i need that kind of environment, a place where i feel close to god, without feeling out of place or awkward. i don't have anyone looking at me funny because of my piercings, because most of them have piercings too. this is church as it was meant to be, a group of people in jeans and tshirts, sitting on couches drinking coffee, and talking about god.
i'm really excited about this.
ps. i'm about to start reading the screwtape letters, by c.s. lewis!
keep faith.
today was yet another great day, and for that i'm thankful. it started out with a really great lunch with courtney at aron's? deli, where we stuffed our faces with some really great sandwiches dipped in an amazing special sauce. we left there and went to the pet store to get courtney a beta fish, which was a mistake. never, ever, should two people as indecisive as us, be given 30 choices of fish. we were there for at least an hour, looking at fish. we would find one with a big tail, but it would have an ugly face, so we would pick out another one, but the color wouldn't be right.
we finally settled on a nice, medium sized pink one, with a cute face and decent sized fins.
so, after we took hamster [she had already picked out a name] to courtney's dorm room, we went to starbucks and susan and mike met us up there.
eventually, we all ended up back in madison's dorm, and palmer and denton came over too. turns out, madison just bought a bunny yesterday. yes, a real live hopping bunny rabbit, that she named marilyn. it is by far the cutest little bunny i've ever seen, and it's a tanish white color, so madison says that it's blonde. and she's keeping it in her dorm room, which is against the school rules but shouldn't be. so, we all sat in madison's dorm, playing with marilyn, while courtney cooked us all spaghetti. when the food was ready, all of us sat in the kitchen and ate spaghetti. and somehow, we all ended up as a family, and courtney and palmer were the parents, and madison and denton were the neighbors, and susan, me, and mike were the kids. that led to a lot of interesting conversation, about heredity, and sibling love, and sex changes?! that's all i'm going to say.
so, a little more on the serious side, after our epic spaghetti family dinner, i went with courtney, palmer, denton, and madison to shack, and i'm so glad i went. they had house church, and there were ten people there, five of them being us, and we just basically had an open group discussion the whole time. we talked about our breaks from school, and trying to get back into the routine of things, and we talked about reviving our friendships with god, and we prayed, which was the most awesome part of the whole night.
all in all, i'm really excited about the possibility of actually being able to go to shack on a regular basis. i really feel like that's where i'm supposed to be right now, not only because courtney and denton go there, but because it's refreshing. i don't need to be in a church that constantly talks about finances, and is always focused on giving money to in turn, receive from god. that kind of corruption had made me so disgusted with christianity, that i had basically given up. it's only in the past few weeks that i've began trying to rebuild my relationship with god. because up until now, i haven't really been at a place mentally where i actually could begin to try to start over. i mean, how could i have began to justify to myself that christianity is good, when i was still attending a church that just spent $13,000 in tithe money for new chairs and a new sound system, and paint for the sanctuary.
but, all of that behind me, it's refreshing to finally go to a church that focuses on the things that i need to focus on. it's refreshing to go to a church where i don't have to pretend. i can be myself, and not have to worry about someone judging me. i need that kind of environment, a place where i feel close to god, without feeling out of place or awkward. i don't have anyone looking at me funny because of my piercings, because most of them have piercings too. this is church as it was meant to be, a group of people in jeans and tshirts, sitting on couches drinking coffee, and talking about god.
i'm really excited about this.
ps. i'm about to start reading the screwtape letters, by c.s. lewis!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
blame it on this southern weather
tonight it snowed!
the rest of my day is completely irrelevant. except, i finally finished reading irresistible revolution. but back to the snow: my mom decided that, given the circumstances, it couldn't hurt to let me see my friends. so me and my brother went over to kristen's neighborhood to play in the snow with her, jordan, meagan, kristen, josh, and a few other random kids that just showed up. and there was lots of hot chocolate, and a snowball fight that never actually ended, and some really deformed snow angels, and a bunch of wandering around aimlessly in the neighborhood, just to enjoy the snow. but for the few hours we were over there, we had an amazing time.
kristen and i finally gave birth to our first child.
a girl, named laquesha.
and by the end of the night, none of us had feeling in our fingertips,
but it was worth it.
and after all of that, i got to come home and fall asleep in a chair next to the fireplace.
and tomorrow promises to be even better,
because i'm going out to lunch with courtney!
the rest of my day is completely irrelevant. except, i finally finished reading irresistible revolution. but back to the snow: my mom decided that, given the circumstances, it couldn't hurt to let me see my friends. so me and my brother went over to kristen's neighborhood to play in the snow with her, jordan, meagan, kristen, josh, and a few other random kids that just showed up. and there was lots of hot chocolate, and a snowball fight that never actually ended, and some really deformed snow angels, and a bunch of wandering around aimlessly in the neighborhood, just to enjoy the snow. but for the few hours we were over there, we had an amazing time.
kristen and i finally gave birth to our first child.
a girl, named laquesha.
and by the end of the night, none of us had feeling in our fingertips,
but it was worth it.
and after all of that, i got to come home and fall asleep in a chair next to the fireplace.
and tomorrow promises to be even better,
because i'm going out to lunch with courtney!
Monday, January 14, 2008
This was a fairly productive day
i went job hunting today with meagan and we got almost nothing done. we drove all around lexington, and the only place that was actually taking applications was wendy's, so i applied there. i'm actually surprised that my mom let meagan come with me though, since i'm supposed to be grounded. i think my "not seeing my friends is depressing" speech that i gave her the other day is actually working, because when we got back, she let meagan stay here for a few hours before i had to take her home.
well, now that i really think about it, today hasn't really been that productive. unless you count me using almost a quarter tank of gas just riding around lexington for two hours.
i'm almost done with irresistible revolution, i only have two chapters left.
i think i'm going to go read some of that, and go to bed.
also, if anyone can give me any useful insight/opinions about my last blog, that would be great. because honestly, i have no idea what i'm going to do.
well, now that i really think about it, today hasn't really been that productive. unless you count me using almost a quarter tank of gas just riding around lexington for two hours.
i'm almost done with irresistible revolution, i only have two chapters left.
i think i'm going to go read some of that, and go to bed.
also, if anyone can give me any useful insight/opinions about my last blog, that would be great. because honestly, i have no idea what i'm going to do.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
And I have learned
that even landlocked lovers
yearn for the sea
like navy men.
I just found out today that my grandparents are going back to Israel in April with some people they know, and a few people from a church in Florida. It's going to be a prayer trip, and they're going to specific places around the country to pray, and worship. They told me that there is room for one more person to go, but that the trip costs $3,100. I seriously cried when I heard that. It's been about 4 years since I've been over there, and I want to go back so bad. Not out of selfishness, or even out of excitement to travel. There's no way to explain how much you grow to love that place when you're there, and how you feel a part of you is missing when you come back here. For my whole life, I've never felt God the way I felt him over there. It is unexplainable, and it's something that I miss really bad.
I know that if God wants me to go on this trip, then it's going to happen, and I'm not going to have to pay for any of it. I'm going to start praying about it, that if I'm supposed to go with them, that he would provide the money. Because even if my parents had the money to afford this, it's not something I could ask of them.
The only downside to this, is that I would miss about 2 weeks of school. But I've done it before, and I know that I could keep it from affecting my grades. There's nothing keeping me from going on this trip except money.
Please pray for me. Pray that God will show me what to do.
yearn for the sea
like navy men.
I just found out today that my grandparents are going back to Israel in April with some people they know, and a few people from a church in Florida. It's going to be a prayer trip, and they're going to specific places around the country to pray, and worship. They told me that there is room for one more person to go, but that the trip costs $3,100. I seriously cried when I heard that. It's been about 4 years since I've been over there, and I want to go back so bad. Not out of selfishness, or even out of excitement to travel. There's no way to explain how much you grow to love that place when you're there, and how you feel a part of you is missing when you come back here. For my whole life, I've never felt God the way I felt him over there. It is unexplainable, and it's something that I miss really bad.
I know that if God wants me to go on this trip, then it's going to happen, and I'm not going to have to pay for any of it. I'm going to start praying about it, that if I'm supposed to go with them, that he would provide the money. Because even if my parents had the money to afford this, it's not something I could ask of them.
The only downside to this, is that I would miss about 2 weeks of school. But I've done it before, and I know that I could keep it from affecting my grades. There's nothing keeping me from going on this trip except money.
Please pray for me. Pray that God will show me what to do.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
did you hear the sound of the sun
rising from the ground?
today is going to be a good day. i slept in until about 2, and went outside and it's 60 degrees, in january. so i'm wearing shorts and a tshirt right now, and my bedroom window is opened, and the back door to the house is opened, and there's a little breeze blowing through the house. i feel like being productive today. so i'm going to go on the porch and read some of irresistible revolution.
ps. you should listen to this:
www.myspace.com/matthewsmusicpage.
today is going to be a good day. i slept in until about 2, and went outside and it's 60 degrees, in january. so i'm wearing shorts and a tshirt right now, and my bedroom window is opened, and the back door to the house is opened, and there's a little breeze blowing through the house. i feel like being productive today. so i'm going to go on the porch and read some of irresistible revolution.
ps. you should listen to this:
www.myspace.com/matthewsmusicpage.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
ps.iloveyou
I am truly blessed to have you as such a significant part of my life.
You give me sanity and peace in times of frantic confusion,
and you never cease to amaze me.
I will love you until the end.
There is a feeling that you should just go home
and spend a lifetime
finding out just where that is.
These past few weeks I've been so unproductive with my life that I don't even know how to begin to try to fix things. I've slacked off in school, so I might end up taking my exam for PSDM just to get a decent final grade. I've brought up my grades in English and Marine Bio, so I'm happy with that.
But I'm really not sure where to start with the rest of my life. I am grounded for something I shouldn't have done to begin with. Because of that, I don't even get to spend time with the people who I rely on so much for my sanity. I definitely brought that on myself.
On top of that, I can't even remember the last time I practiced my audition music. There's a lot weighing on my audition, and It makes me sick when I look at how slack I've become at keeping up with it. I also have to get a job, because my parents can't really pay for anything for me anymore, just for food and a house to live in. I have more than $300 due for my truck insurance in the beginning of February, and that's less than a month away.
I haven't done anything to solve any of these issues.
I've only procrastinated, and that has done nothing but bring me to where I am right now:
Frustrated, confused, and stressed out.
I haven't even gotten any legitimate reading done lately. I need to finish reading Irresistible Revolution, which I started months ago. That also brings me to another point I should address: my relationship with God. I can't even remember the last time I prayed, or even read my bible. I have gotten so caught up in life that I've traded what should be the most important thing in my life for "more important things".
He should be the reason I wake up in the mornings, and He should be who I turn to when I don't know what to do. He should be the person I rely on more than anyone else, and He should be the person that keeps me sane.
Instead, I've chose to rely on everything else possible to keep my life in working order.
I've only lied to myself to get to where I am spiritually right now. I've grown disgusted with everything to do with God, and I think it's high time to do something about that.
So now this leaves me right back where I began, which is: where do I start?
As far as school and college goes, I have homework, so doing that would be a start, and after that I should most definitely practice, and start trying to pick out two more pieces to play for my audition. I think that after I get all of that out of the way, I should sit down with a cup of coffee and read a few chapters of Irresistible Revolution.
That sounds like a nice way to end my day.
Tomorrow I will start working on fixing everything else.
On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men.
finding out just where that is.
These past few weeks I've been so unproductive with my life that I don't even know how to begin to try to fix things. I've slacked off in school, so I might end up taking my exam for PSDM just to get a decent final grade. I've brought up my grades in English and Marine Bio, so I'm happy with that.
But I'm really not sure where to start with the rest of my life. I am grounded for something I shouldn't have done to begin with. Because of that, I don't even get to spend time with the people who I rely on so much for my sanity. I definitely brought that on myself.
On top of that, I can't even remember the last time I practiced my audition music. There's a lot weighing on my audition, and It makes me sick when I look at how slack I've become at keeping up with it. I also have to get a job, because my parents can't really pay for anything for me anymore, just for food and a house to live in. I have more than $300 due for my truck insurance in the beginning of February, and that's less than a month away.
I haven't done anything to solve any of these issues.
I've only procrastinated, and that has done nothing but bring me to where I am right now:
Frustrated, confused, and stressed out.
I haven't even gotten any legitimate reading done lately. I need to finish reading Irresistible Revolution, which I started months ago. That also brings me to another point I should address: my relationship with God. I can't even remember the last time I prayed, or even read my bible. I have gotten so caught up in life that I've traded what should be the most important thing in my life for "more important things".
He should be the reason I wake up in the mornings, and He should be who I turn to when I don't know what to do. He should be the person I rely on more than anyone else, and He should be the person that keeps me sane.
Instead, I've chose to rely on everything else possible to keep my life in working order.
I've only lied to myself to get to where I am spiritually right now. I've grown disgusted with everything to do with God, and I think it's high time to do something about that.
So now this leaves me right back where I began, which is: where do I start?
As far as school and college goes, I have homework, so doing that would be a start, and after that I should most definitely practice, and start trying to pick out two more pieces to play for my audition. I think that after I get all of that out of the way, I should sit down with a cup of coffee and read a few chapters of Irresistible Revolution.
That sounds like a nice way to end my day.
Tomorrow I will start working on fixing everything else.
On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men.
Monday, January 7, 2008
All these days slip by us
So, I woke up sick this morning, and didn't go to school. But I really needed a day off anyways. I'm growing to hate that school more and more as this year progresses, but I'm just going to have to learn to endure to the end, which is less than 5 months away. That's something I really can't fathom. The only thing that's going to get me through the rest of my senior year is a careful balance of friends, hard work, and a lot of coffee.
I finally set up my audition for the school of music at USC, which means from now until March 1st, I'm going to be a nervous wreck. I need a Romantic piece, and an Impressionist piece, or a Modern piece. I have no idea what I'm going to play really, but I have one Classical song under my belt, so I guess that counts for something.
I need to stay focused, and practice hours and hours every day.
I can't screw this up.
I guess I have a little to look forward to though, because I have my first real Senior privilege next week. Seniors don't have school Tuesday through Friday because of exams, and if I remember right, everyone has Monday and Tuesday of the next week off, so I have an 8 day break from school coming up. This is exciting. I'm hoping I get to have lunch a few times in Columbia with my great college friends, and spend lots of late nights at the old mill.
I might even get to go to waffle house at a decent hour of the night if my mom ever decides to unground me. I guess that's my fault to begin with. My mom keeps bringing up something about consequences for my actions.
I don't really know what all that's about.
So here's my to do list for the next few months, in order of obvious importance:
Practice audition music
Apply for scholarships
Bring my grades back up to A's and B's
Finish reading Irresistible Revolution
Get a job
Spend less time on the computer
Return things I've borrowed from people.
Finish reading Velvet Elvis
Finish reading Eragon
Courtney:
So the other day, I downloaded Belle and Sebastian's album The Life Pursuit, because I saw them on your Last.fm profile. Then last night I had a dream that you were listening to one of their songs, and I said something like "Hey, isn't this Belle and Sebastian?", and I remember exactly what you said back to me, just like it really happened. You said:
"Yeah! Oh my God, you actually do listen to real music!"
I'm pretty sure I actually laughed out loud in my sleep.
I finally set up my audition for the school of music at USC, which means from now until March 1st, I'm going to be a nervous wreck. I need a Romantic piece, and an Impressionist piece, or a Modern piece. I have no idea what I'm going to play really, but I have one Classical song under my belt, so I guess that counts for something.
I need to stay focused, and practice hours and hours every day.
I can't screw this up.
I guess I have a little to look forward to though, because I have my first real Senior privilege next week. Seniors don't have school Tuesday through Friday because of exams, and if I remember right, everyone has Monday and Tuesday of the next week off, so I have an 8 day break from school coming up. This is exciting. I'm hoping I get to have lunch a few times in Columbia with my great college friends, and spend lots of late nights at the old mill.
I might even get to go to waffle house at a decent hour of the night if my mom ever decides to unground me. I guess that's my fault to begin with. My mom keeps bringing up something about consequences for my actions.
I don't really know what all that's about.
So here's my to do list for the next few months, in order of obvious importance:
Practice audition music
Apply for scholarships
Bring my grades back up to A's and B's
Finish reading Irresistible Revolution
Get a job
Spend less time on the computer
Return things I've borrowed from people.
Finish reading Velvet Elvis
Finish reading Eragon
Courtney:
So the other day, I downloaded Belle and Sebastian's album The Life Pursuit, because I saw them on your Last.fm profile. Then last night I had a dream that you were listening to one of their songs, and I said something like "Hey, isn't this Belle and Sebastian?", and I remember exactly what you said back to me, just like it really happened. You said:
"Yeah! Oh my God, you actually do listen to real music!"
I'm pretty sure I actually laughed out loud in my sleep.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
And today leaves me in deep thought.
I've had an amazing day, probably because I spent it with Courtney, Susan, Hayley, Palmer, Rachel, Sam, and Meagan. We went to a really cheap, really good taco place in 5 points for lunch, then went to Starbucks for some really great coffee. Somehow we all ended up back at the bean, and I went with Palmer, Rachel, Sam, Susan, and Courtney back to Palmer's to watch a great movie, and eat some of his mom's amazing chip dip. And to top off this amazing day, on the way back to Susan's to get my truck, we had a really great talk, that left me thinking about what great friends I have. And all of this thinking has lead me back to this one quote:
"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat.Pray.Love.
This whole day has made me genuinely happy.
I am truly blessed.
"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat.Pray.Love.
This whole day has made me genuinely happy.
I am truly blessed.
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