we'll sleep just fine tonight,
so let's go,
we'll sleep just fine.
this time it lasts forever,
this time,
this.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
no day but today.
i live this moment as my last. there's only us, there's only this.
now is all i have. i have no past, only memories and reminders of it. i have no future, only hopes for one. i have only now, and now is when i choose to live. life goes on.
now is all i have. i have no past, only memories and reminders of it. i have no future, only hopes for one. i have only now, and now is when i choose to live. life goes on.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
i can hardly see what's in front of me these days
it's just come to my realization that sleep deprivation is my drug. i'm really not sure how to feel about that. i've become dependent on a lack of sleep, and that's a bad place to find yourself. it's like i've lost so much sleep in the past few month, that it's become a regular thing for me. sure i get sleep occasionally, in large quantities, like coming home from school one day, and falling asleep at 4.15 or 4.30pm, and waking up at 7.50 the next morning for school.
but i've become so adapted to this sleeping pattern, or lack thereof, that i don't really know what to do. i'm living my life in a sleepless, glassy eyed haze, but it's not nearly as miserable as i would've expected. i kindof like it. i'll get so little sleep one night that i absolutely have to keep myself busy at school the next day to keep from passing out. it actually helps my attention span, because i can only focus on one thing at a time. since my mother is convinced i have nothing wrong with my attention span, it's all i can do. but if i get too much sleep, all of the energy goes straight to my brain, making sure that i can't focus on one thing for too long. but this i can control. it's a direct cause and effect situation.
i walk around in my own world, barely functioning properly, but getting soooo much done! but at any time i can retreat inside myself, completely tune everyone out, and be oblivious to the world, lost in thought. i'll find myself listening to someone talk to me, and then realize that i've been zoning out for the past 5 or even 10 minutes. staring blankly through whatever is in front of me.
this can't be healthy, but i've found it to be a safe place. it's just like any other drug, it's a way to escape. i'll find myself in a whole different world. like, hearing everyday noises, but being so out of it, that they sound like something completely different. it's a way to find humor in the small things that happen throughout the day, and laugh hysterically. i like this new world i've discovered. and i can access it at such little price, just a simple loss of sleep leaves me walking around in it. and if i ever find myself with something on my mind, i can change it, there's never nothing to think about. there's never something that i can't get out of my mind, because there's always something more interesting to look at and think about. the angles of the shadows of things around the room, the way the shadows have layers, the rhythm of the faint flicker in the fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling.
but i've become so adapted to this sleeping pattern, or lack thereof, that i don't really know what to do. i'm living my life in a sleepless, glassy eyed haze, but it's not nearly as miserable as i would've expected. i kindof like it. i'll get so little sleep one night that i absolutely have to keep myself busy at school the next day to keep from passing out. it actually helps my attention span, because i can only focus on one thing at a time. since my mother is convinced i have nothing wrong with my attention span, it's all i can do. but if i get too much sleep, all of the energy goes straight to my brain, making sure that i can't focus on one thing for too long. but this i can control. it's a direct cause and effect situation.
i walk around in my own world, barely functioning properly, but getting soooo much done! but at any time i can retreat inside myself, completely tune everyone out, and be oblivious to the world, lost in thought. i'll find myself listening to someone talk to me, and then realize that i've been zoning out for the past 5 or even 10 minutes. staring blankly through whatever is in front of me.
this can't be healthy, but i've found it to be a safe place. it's just like any other drug, it's a way to escape. i'll find myself in a whole different world. like, hearing everyday noises, but being so out of it, that they sound like something completely different. it's a way to find humor in the small things that happen throughout the day, and laugh hysterically. i like this new world i've discovered. and i can access it at such little price, just a simple loss of sleep leaves me walking around in it. and if i ever find myself with something on my mind, i can change it, there's never nothing to think about. there's never something that i can't get out of my mind, because there's always something more interesting to look at and think about. the angles of the shadows of things around the room, the way the shadows have layers, the rhythm of the faint flicker in the fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling.
Monday, February 11, 2008
i desperately need to do one of these things.
person 1,
i picked you first because you've been on my mind a lot for the past few days, for obvious reasons. we can't throw our friendship away, purposefully or accidentally. we've been through too much shit together, and we've overcome countless things like this in the past. i don't plan on letting this get the best of us. you've been such an incredible influence in my life for the past few years, and i think it's safe to say that you played a major role in shaping me into the person i am today. i know that time and time again we have come to this same realization, but it's become so incredibly urgent now, that i don't think we realize how reliant our sanity has become on one another. we need to do what is right, and we both know what that is. our friendship means more to me than any situation like this that has came up in the past, and will come up in the future. i'm ready if you are, but god knows it won't be easy.
person 2,
i know that you won't read this, but that's irrelevant. i'm really glad that we're friends. i see a lot of myself in you, and that scares the hell out of me. i really hope that one day, you will find what you want out of life, and i hope to god this is not it.
person 3,
i love you, i really do. i'm glad that you're happy, and content for now. you've found your own place in the world, one that nobody would've seen coming a year ago. don't let yourself get trapped inside this person that you portray yourself to be. a role model is a big shoe to fill, but don't let yourself run to escape it. everybody has their flaws, you can't hide yours forever.
person 4,
i know you better than anyone else. i've been there with you through it all, and you've fucked up big time. it's really hard to get back up on your feet, but you can do it. i want so bad for you to find yourself lost and alone with nowhere to go but up, and that is the best thing that could happen to you right now. but that's not going to happen. you have too many people who are willing to go through way too much shit for you. you don't deserve half of it. but you have it. you're getting back up, and you have people who love you, people who genuinely care about you, who are willing to do most anything to help you get where you're going. now all you have to do is convince yourself that you can. and you can, i know you can. but you just have to go for it, full speed ahead, give it your everything, don't back down, don't let up, and you'll be exactly where you need to be a month or two from now. i fucking hate you.
i picked you first because you've been on my mind a lot for the past few days, for obvious reasons. we can't throw our friendship away, purposefully or accidentally. we've been through too much shit together, and we've overcome countless things like this in the past. i don't plan on letting this get the best of us. you've been such an incredible influence in my life for the past few years, and i think it's safe to say that you played a major role in shaping me into the person i am today. i know that time and time again we have come to this same realization, but it's become so incredibly urgent now, that i don't think we realize how reliant our sanity has become on one another. we need to do what is right, and we both know what that is. our friendship means more to me than any situation like this that has came up in the past, and will come up in the future. i'm ready if you are, but god knows it won't be easy.
person 2,
i know that you won't read this, but that's irrelevant. i'm really glad that we're friends. i see a lot of myself in you, and that scares the hell out of me. i really hope that one day, you will find what you want out of life, and i hope to god this is not it.
person 3,
i love you, i really do. i'm glad that you're happy, and content for now. you've found your own place in the world, one that nobody would've seen coming a year ago. don't let yourself get trapped inside this person that you portray yourself to be. a role model is a big shoe to fill, but don't let yourself run to escape it. everybody has their flaws, you can't hide yours forever.
person 4,
i know you better than anyone else. i've been there with you through it all, and you've fucked up big time. it's really hard to get back up on your feet, but you can do it. i want so bad for you to find yourself lost and alone with nowhere to go but up, and that is the best thing that could happen to you right now. but that's not going to happen. you have too many people who are willing to go through way too much shit for you. you don't deserve half of it. but you have it. you're getting back up, and you have people who love you, people who genuinely care about you, who are willing to do most anything to help you get where you're going. now all you have to do is convince yourself that you can. and you can, i know you can. but you just have to go for it, full speed ahead, give it your everything, don't back down, don't let up, and you'll be exactly where you need to be a month or two from now. i fucking hate you.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
but my head's to the wall and i'm lonely
i can't think of a better place to update my blog than the bean. i miss this place so much, because i haven't been here but once this year, and that was friday, and it doesn't really count, because i didn't stay, and nobody was here that i knew. me and eishlay just came in to get jones soda, and went back out to her car to watch requiem for a dream, which turned out to be an amazing movie, but didn't really have much of an apparent rhyme or reason behind it. actually, it confused the hell out of me. regardless, we had a good time watching it in her car in the parking lot of the old mill. we watched half here, and then went back to my house and watched the rest of it. that was the first day i got off of restriction, and it was most definitely a good day. we hung out a lot before we came here, but the important part is that we watched that movie.
on another note, my mom thinks i'm depressed because i haven't been going to church lately. i think it's because i was on restriction for all of january, and at the end of january i got sick and didn't go to school for a week. sounds reasonable, right? i honestly just don't know what it is, but i'm not going to continue posting blogs about it.
mel's coming to lexington and staying with me this friday, and i'm real excited. i haven't seen him in months, and i need some mel in my life right now.
did i mention i'm real excited?
i'm considering putting off college for a semester, or a year. it would only make my life about ten times easier. i don't know if that's a smart move, but it would take a whole lot of stress off of me. maybe i'll go to tech for a semester, or a year.
i have no idea what i'm doing with my life,
but the scary thing is,
i'm not really worried about it.
the world is not going to end if i don't go to college directly out of high school.
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