apathy.

it's amazing how depressed i've become.

it really is.

i've never been this depressed in my life.

i'm becoming more and more convinced that the earth as we know it isn't going to last much longer, and the human race is going to become extinct in the next 3 years.

it's honestly the only thing that i'm really looking forward to.

i just want to find out what kind of horrible tragedies await us.

but really, that's the least of my concern.

i have nothing to look forward to.

i have no promised future,

i have no promised tomorrow.

(not that anyone else does, either)

i don't have any goals that seem to be worth accomplishing.

i can't find a purpose for even being alive.

(but i'm not going to off myself because of this)

it just seems that the days are dragging on,

and i'm only living for the moments when i dapple in happiness.

wherever it's origins might come from on the occasion.

everything else is just inbetween.

waiting for anything to happen.

waiting for a reason to wake up excited about a new day.

instead of dreading being awake.

it's not like there's nothing to do,

there's plenty to keep me busy,

but for what purpose?

just to secure myself financially?

or to ward of depression?

i've lost all joy.

and i can't seem to find any reason

to even open my eyes in the mornings.

i have never felt this apathetic before.

sleeping sickness

i awoke only to find my lungs empty,
and through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
and I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.

and I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
such as living with the uncertainty
that I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain
just how I'm breaking down

someone come and, someone come and save my life
maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
but now it's like the night is taking sides
with all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
could it be this misery will suffice

i've become a simple souvenir of someone's kill
and like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
madness fills my heart and soul,
as if the great divide could swallow me whole
oh, how I'm breaking down

someone come and, someone come and save my life
could it be this misery will suffice.

we've got each other, and that's a lot.

in the past two days my whole life has drastically changed. it's been complete chaos, and it's turning everyone in my family against each other. but it hasn't separated my brother my mom and me. we're alright. or at least we will be. everything is not ok, but it will be eventually. i can't think about that though. i just have to keep reminding myself of my many blessings. 3/4 of my immediate family are hanging in there. my mom is blessed to have the parents she does, and i'm blessed to have them as grandparents.

everything is going to work itself out. it's not going to be pretty, and it's not going to be easy, but change has to happen. all i can do is support my mom in her decisions, and help her the best i can. she's going through more shit right now than i can possibly imagine, but i have faith that she will be a lot happier in the end because of the decisions she's making now.

i don't know that anyone even reads this anymore, but if you happen to be reading this, please keep my family in your prayers. we are all going through a hard time, and dealing with a lot of changes.

there will be peace!

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher,
but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see,
I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think,
I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming,
I can hear them say
Carry on my wayward son,
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

cause when i fly solo

i fly so high,
i fly so high,
don't touch me now!
we all deserve,
we all deserve something.


person 1:
you are my better half, the voice of reason and logic that completes me. you are the one i can always depend on for an honest rational opinion, no matter what the circumstance. i love you dearly, more than anything else in the world.

person 2:
you are my sanity. you keep me down to earth, and looking forward in life. you are a constant reminder that life is only what i make of it, and can be as easy or overwhelming as I allow.

person 3:
you are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. i can always count on you to be honest and straightforward with me, and i appreciate that more than you know. you are the unbiased, listening ear that i've needed for so long.

and now's the time to sever the ties.
drain away this fear,
until it disappears.
are you pulling me down?
are you holding me up?
or are you slowly drowning me?

am i wrong?

it's like glass
when we break
i wish no one in my place

i'm officially moving back in with my parents, for many reasons, but mostly all stress related. i'm sick of being broke. i don't have a full time job right now, and the job(s) i have are barely enough to be called "part time". though my rent and electricity were dirt cheap, it just got to be too much for me to handle. i can't deal with financial stress, and i can't afford to live in that house anymore. for the past few months or so i've been off and on ignoring my phone and insurance bills, and putting them off on my parents, just giving them money here and there to keep them at bay, but i can't do this anymore. i can't continue to use them like that, they're barely able to support themselves right now, much less pay for my bills too.

in a little over 6 months, i went through a lot in that house, but it just got to the point where i had to decide what i was willing to go through to remain living there, and it got to be too much. me and jamie were always getting in arguments, and it got to the point where talking things out wasn't even an option. ignore the problem for however long it takes, then just pretend like it didn't happen. that's not the recipe for a healthy friendship no matter how you look at it, even if everything does seem to be ok, there's always the feeling of walking on eggshells to avoid dispute, which in the end was inevitable, it was just a question of how long between disputes, and how much built up frustration and anger would be involved.

but ultimately, i made the decision for me. i'm moving back in with my parents so that i can really focus on myself. and god knows, i've needed to do that for a while. i need to be happy again, really truly happy. not just happy because i had a good day and i'm not fighting with my roommate. not just happy because i'm with my friends in a happy environment. and not just happy because my bag isn't empty yet. if you know me, you know that i have problems. i'm fucked up in the head, but i honestly don't think i've always been this way. i've dealt with a lot of loneliness and depression living in that house, and no matter how i try to mask it, they both seem to always find a way to poke their ugly heads back up and knock me right to the ground. i've dealt with it for far too long, and i'm ready for it to stop. i need to escape this stagnant point in my life. i'm not getting anywhere, i have no ability to save money or think long term. i can't think clearly under stress and anxiety, so for my own good, i'm leaving.

i would love to say i'm sorry that my decision to move out "fucks [you] over", but in all honesty, i am not sorry. i wish my decision would not directly affect any of my friends in any way, but i'm confident that anyone who really cares about me and considers me a friend will understand and support my motivations and intentions for doing this.

meaningless

i really have no reason to be blogging right now. i have nothing interesting to share. im not even sure that anyone other than my wife reads this anymore. but maybe thats all the more reason to blog. monotony can drive a person crazy. so can being alone a lot. i think i'm slowly going crazy. maybe not. maybe i've just been basically disconnected with the outside world for too long. im not really sure of anything anymore. i think too much, analyze too much. i don't know what to do with myself.

goodbye, lay the blame on luck

as soon as realistically possible, i'm moving far away from here. everywhere i go there are constant reminders of good and bad times i've spent here. i can't deal with it. i will never be able to move forward with my life if i let myself stay chained down by this godawful city. so i plan on leaving it all behind. i need a fresh start in a city where nobody knows my name, and where i don't see the same people all the time.

My phone just spazzed out and i thought i was going to lose this...

I can't wait for warm weather, and barbeques, and bonfires, and going out on the lake, and roadtrips, and summertime!

It's gonna be a good summer my friends.

My baby squirrels are growing up and getting bigger every day, they're so cute, but soooo spazzy! They're starting to eat almonds and peanuts now, but they still get bottle fed.

I think i'm going to grow a garden this summer, with lots of yummy (and basically free) food. It's gonna be awesome.

Also, i'm building a chicken coop at the house, and when it's done i have two hens and a rooster at my parents house that i'm going to bring over. So i'll have fresh eggs all the time then!

So there's a few random things going on in my crazy mind/world, i'm excited for summer!

Peace.

isn't it funny,

how everything always seems to work itself out?

my life has seriously been so stressful and just plain bad these past few weeks,
but life is getting better.

i have a house now, it's the second best thing that has happened to me in a long time.

and one of these days soon, i'll get to share that house with THE best thing that has happened to me in a long time,
and that would be my wife, Kristen.

i don't think you realize how fucking much i love this girl.

hey

i'm so fucking frustrated right now i don't know what to do with myself.
this is bullshit, complete bullshit.
i can't deal with this.

i guess there's really only one reason i'm writing this, and it goes as follows:

i really fucking hate you.