i can hardly see what's in front of me these days

it's just come to my realization that sleep deprivation is my drug. i'm really not sure how to feel about that. i've become dependent on a lack of sleep, and that's a bad place to find yourself. it's like i've lost so much sleep in the past few month, that it's become a regular thing for me. sure i get sleep occasionally, in large quantities, like coming home from school one day, and falling asleep at 4.15 or 4.30pm, and waking up at 7.50 the next morning for school.

but i've become so adapted to this sleeping pattern, or lack thereof, that i don't really know what to do. i'm living my life in a sleepless, glassy eyed haze, but it's not nearly as miserable as i would've expected. i kindof like it. i'll get so little sleep one night that i absolutely have to keep myself busy at school the next day to keep from passing out. it actually helps my attention span, because i can only focus on one thing at a time. since my mother is convinced i have nothing wrong with my attention span, it's all i can do. but if i get too much sleep, all of the energy goes straight to my brain, making sure that i can't focus on one thing for too long. but this i can control. it's a direct cause and effect situation.

i walk around in my own world, barely functioning properly, but getting soooo much done! but at any time i can retreat inside myself, completely tune everyone out, and be oblivious to the world, lost in thought. i'll find myself listening to someone talk to me, and then realize that i've been zoning out for the past 5 or even 10 minutes. staring blankly through whatever is in front of me.

this can't be healthy, but i've found it to be a safe place. it's just like any other drug, it's a way to escape. i'll find myself in a whole different world. like, hearing everyday noises, but being so out of it, that they sound like something completely different. it's a way to find humor in the small things that happen throughout the day, and laugh hysterically. i like this new world i've discovered. and i can access it at such little price, just a simple loss of sleep leaves me walking around in it. and if i ever find myself with something on my mind, i can change it, there's never nothing to think about. there's never something that i can't get out of my mind, because there's always something more interesting to look at and think about. the angles of the shadows of things around the room, the way the shadows have layers, the rhythm of the faint flicker in the fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling.