and if my lungs still let me breathe

would you be there for me?

these past few weeks have gotten progressively more stressful. my life seems just plain awful right now. orlando was horrible for the most part, but somewhat fun. bob was being a complete jerk most of the time, but not very many people agree with me on that, which makes me question whether it's just me. it kindof seems like a lot of people lately have been very short tempered with me, and quick to anger. nobody sees my point of view on things.

dear friend,
can i even call you that anymore? these past few weeks you've changed drastically. we've talked less and less, and yes, there have been times when we talked and had a good time like we used to, but for the most part that's not the case. you in particular are the person who has been the most irritable lately. you blame it on your "mood" but seriously... can you be in a bad mood for weeks on end? have i done something wrong that you're not telling me about? because you tend to do that... get mad at me for a reason that is completely obvious to you, but not so much for me, and you expect me to figure out that reason without talking to you about it. we can't have a healthy friendship if you keep on being so harsh towards me. everytime i talk to you, you have nothing good to say to me. you can't see my point of view, and you always side with whoever makes me look like the bad guy in a situation, even if i'm not in the wrong. can you be there for me? isn't that what friends are for?

since i've been grounded i've really become more and more distant from all of my "friends". it's really getting the best of me. i can only deal with so much solitude before i start to drive myself insane, and it's getting to that point now.
if there's one time in my life when i need contact with people who understand... it's now. i have about 20 days left of high school, and that's scaring me to death. i don't know what to do. i'm starting to freak out.

typically after a long blog of things that are going wrong in my life, i like to end with a paragraph about the things that are going right. jekyll and hyde performances start tomorrow, which i guess is reason to be excited. also, i'm playing the piano accompaniment for a song the chorus is playing for a competition at carowinds in a few weeks, so i get to go play music and get into carowinds for free, which is cool.

leave it to music to be the only thing going right in my life, and keeping me sane.

also...

if you haven't seen this before, i suggest you watch it now, it's hilarious.

this makes me sick

i just stumbled across this, and lost a little more faith in our government.

when i arrive will god be waiting and pacing around his throne?

will he feel a little old testament?
and will he celebrate with fire and brimstone
yeah, i admit, i am afraid of the reckoning...

i'm in a really weird mood but i have some very unspecific things i need to get off my chest, not really to anyone in particular, and in somewhat of a lyrical form, so here goes:


what are we doing?
or more appropriately, what are the people we've become doing?
we're like machines,
and we don't know anything but what's in front of us anymore.
we've become so sad and depressing,
when we're only being "ourselves".
it doesn't make sense,
nothing makes sense about us anymore.
what happened to that?
you know, those times we used to have.
they were anything but sad and depressing.

we've become numb, so fucking numb,
to everything, and nothing really matters anymore.
do you see it?
because i do, and i'm scared to death because of it.
i don't want this,
we don't deserve this.

we need change,
more than we thought we did back then,
when we really didn't know how good we had it.
but we were naive, and look where we ended up.
we prayed for this change, and now that it's here,
is it really what we had been hoping for?
or are we just left wishing that we'd never prayed for this in the first place?
we prayed for this change, and now it's here.
it's here.
we don't know what the hell happened, do we?
it snuck up on us before we could say a damn thing about it.

we've become numb, so fucking numb,
to everything, and nothing really matters anymore.
do you see it?
because i do, and i'm scared to death because of it.
i don't want this,
we don't deserve this.

sufjan is writing a symphony!

"For three nights beginning November 1, Stevens—cult-embraced purveyor of freaky chamber folk-pop—will present an actual symphonic evocation of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. The challenges here are many-layered. Though Stevens has arranged orchestral bits for his records and taken string sections on tour, he’s never attempted anything of this complexity: writing and rehearsing a purely instrumental piece for 38 musicians...
“It’s definitely very busy,” Stevens agrees. “The piece is about constant motion and repetition. A lot of it is written in canon form, so there are repetitive sequences of chords and melodies that start to overlap and form a round. There are fugue elements as well. It introduces themes and then deconstructs them later on.”"

you can read more about it here

let's hear that string part again, because i don't think they heard it all the way out in bushnell

this weekend has been good. friday night me and meagan went to palmer's, and hayley and eric, and denton and courtney came too. it was great. we watched half of garden state, and went outside to watch the lightning storm, and it wasn't raining yet. and meagan fell in the pool, and then pushed hayley in. and then it rained, and we went inside and made confetti cupcakes with icing and sprinkles,

sorry, i just got distracted by the amazing bass line in the beginning of "they are night zombies!!..." by sufjan stevens. amazing!

so anyways, we ate cupcakes, and then everybody left. i took meagan home, and denton came over, and we stayed up late talking and listening to good music, which is always fun. saturday, i slept half the day, and i was supposed to go hang out with a few friends that night, but that never happened, so i ended up "going to waffle house" around 11ish, which was fun.

and... nothing worth mentioning happened today,
but i have a small bit i need to get off my chest:

i need to renew my hope in mankind, or at least the people around me. maybe i should hang out with different people. or maybe, i just haven't been around certain people enough, the people who keep me happy and sane. i'm sorry if you don't fit into that category. i just constantly feel let down by everyone around me, not in a personal way at all though, it seems unintentional. it seems like everyone i know has developed one of two mindsets: "i don't give a fuck, and you'd better not try to tell me otherwise", or "i'm going to tell you everything you're doing wrong". completely apathy, and overcompensation for those people who are being completely apathetic.
if you think this is about you, then it more than likely isn't.

for some reason, i feel the need to reiterate this, but for completely different reasons that i had for writing it in the first place.

i'm sorry if this post confused you, my mind is in a million different places right now.

it must be my time of the month...

i love my mom but she's crazy. first of all, i find it completely unreasonable that she makes me go to church. she gave me a choice of 2 churches, and i won't say much, other than that it's a lose lose situation. i'm at least allowed to go to any other church as long as i go to one of the churches she approved. now that i've found a church that i'm willing to go to, and actually want to go to, i still have to go to one of her approved churches. i can't just go to the church that i want to go to. and i wish she would just realize that, for one, the fact that i found a church that i legitimately want to go to is a huge step for me. also, the fact that i'm willing to deal with all the shit she gives me for going there, just so i can go to there, is also saying a lot. because she's trying so incredibly hard to find something wrong with the shack, and she won't let it go. i found a church that i actually want to go to every time they have an event, and not because my friends go there, it's because it's a place where i can actually feel god working. and apparently that's not enough for her.
also, she has this really bad habit of thinking that she can control any part of my life, by repeated nagging. she gets upset about things i'm putting off, and feels like it's her job to remind me to do them. even if it's something that doesn't even concern her. i'm so glad that it won't be long before i'm out of this house, because i honestly can't remain sane for much longer living with her. she doesn't realize that there's only so much she can do for me, and after that, things are my problem. college is my problem, a job is my problem, school is my problem. there's nothing she can do to make me turn in things for college on time, and there's no way she can make me get a job. as much as i want to turn in college stuff on time, and as much as i want to get a job, there's nothing she can do about it. and it almost gets to the point where i'm starting to procrastinate things, and not do things just to prove a point to her that i can handle my own life.
i'm not going anywhere with this rant, but i feel a whole hell of a lot better because of it.
god bless your soul if you read all that.