have been really hard, and i have no idea why.
this is going to be more like a rant than an actual blog.
i need the smell of summer,
i need it's noises in my ear.
i'm starting to realize that i've lost a lot of the drive and ambition that i used to have. it's almost like i'm depressed, but for no one reason. i think that it's just everything that's going on. i'm getting really frustrated with having no money, and needing money to pay for gas, and car insurance, and piano lessons, and other things that i want to buy, like coffee and books. right now my parents are helping me out the best they can, but they flat out told me that they can't pay for these things for me anymore. i need a job, but it's like everywhere i go they're either not hiring, or either they're hiring during the day.
i'm losing my excitement. i'm not really excited about college anymore, i'm just more frustrated than anything, mostly financially. i haven't been filling out scholarship applications, and it's not like i don't feel like i need to, because i know that the only way i'm going to be able to pay for college is with a lot of scholarships, and maybe some financial aid. but i've been so unproductive lately that it scares me. it scares me because i don't feel the need to change it. and this is my last semester of high school also, so i should be ready to put everything aside, and focus on grades, and college, and money. but it's like i can't put my ambitions where i know they should be.
right now the only thing i can really focus on is trying to not be at home as much as possible. it's like my mom runs around the house looking for things that i should be doing, so that she can come in my room and say, hey matthew, you need to do this, and that. and then an hour later she'll come in here again to remind me of something else. and all i can do is wonder how i've become so behind on everything in my life.
i'm still grounded, which i think is playing a key role in all of this depression and stress that i'm going through. it's like there's nothing new going on that seems important to me. i just started new classes for this semester, and i should feel like that's a fresh start, and i should feel like these are all new opportunities, but instead it just gets depressing. i'm ready to get out of high school, because i'm sick of it! i'm sick of everything about it. i don't even think seeing all of these classmates and friends that i've become so familiar with is helping the situation either. i don't want to do this anymore, but i know i have to, and i know that there's only a matter of a few months left.
but it scares me to think about how unprepared i am for what's about to happen. i have no job, and no ambition to get one, even though i know i have to have one... like now.
i really want to move out, but the issue of no job is holding me back from that. and if i did move out, i wouldn't be stupid about it. i would probably get an apartment with rachel in columbia, and just drive to school from there everyday, and get a job there as well. but honestly i have no idea what i'm going to do.
my mom has noticed that something's wrong with me. it's about time. she talked to rachel earlier today and said that she thinks i'm depressed, and she's worried about my school, and she said that she thinks i'm going to end up going to tech. now, i wouldn't mind going to tech, but it's not exactly the drastic change that i've been looking forward to.
maybe i just need a change to all of this monotony in my life right now. rachel said something about going camping at the lake as soon as it starts to warm up a little, and i think that sounds like a great idea. i think what i need right now, is to just get out of the god awful house for a few days, and be able to be on an island in the middle of the lake with my closest friends who i miss so much, and sit around a campfire listening to someone play guitar. that sounds like paradise to me right now.
maybe all of this staying at home so much is just getting to me.
feel like every chance to leave,
is another chance i should have took.
every minute is a mile.
i've never felt so hollow.
i'm an old abandoned church
with broken pews and empty aisles.
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4 comments:
I love you bunches. <3
I feel like I just don't have enough hours in the day. I have SO much to do. I actually had to buy a calendar so I can keep up with everything. I have something to do every Saturday until the second week in April.
I think getting away will definitely help you. The beach really helped me relax. I was about to have a mental break down before I left.
I know you can get through this. because I believe you can and I have faith in you.
and no matter what happens, we're in this together.
because that's what married couples do. =]
iloveyou.
Call me when ever you feel too crazy, i'll let you rant and rave and we'll rant about things we both hate and we'll yell and it'll be fun!
Apply at all the resturants you can, it's a harder job, but a lot more money. and you can apply anywhere in lexington b/c you're real close. Apply at ruby tuesdays and places like that!
i have one word for you.
senioritous.
it gets the best of all of us, dude. i felt that way when i was about to graduate. like. i just wanted to "live" and go forward with my life. but that "living" wasn't living at all. needless to say, it was moving forward either... more like.. standing in place. (metaphorically speaking)
and you're right..you don't want to go to tech. theres nothing wrong with it, not if you're andrea and you aren't climbing the walls to get out and dont crave the hustle and bustle of the city. but for people like you and i, getting a way if what we need. and staying at home and going to tech really aren't the shift that you're looking for and i think you would be extrmemly dissapointed, and that feeling of "standing still" would keep coming back
you and i are a lot alike.. in a lot of ways.
and i think its safe to say that what both of us want.. and need is to get away from the things that hold us back here, and find our own place in the world. but when you feel like you're stuck, you've lost the ambition that once drove you to do brilliant miraculous things.. and your just kinda sitting in your room like a cabage saying "i know i should probably being doing this but..." and then you cease to move and continue to sit like a vegtable.
but yes! camping. sounds like a marvelous idea. you should be able to clear your head. and once thats done, the rest of it is easy as... pie?
oo! friday should help as well .
=D
mateo!
i love you!!
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