pardon me while i burst into flames

something is seriously wrong with me.

1
you hurt me, very badly. and you don't even realize it. we used to have a decent friendship, but i can't continue to be friends with someone who isn't the slightest bit considerate of my feelings. i know you mean well, but it hurts. it hurts to just sit here and watch you cater to my loneliness. i wish none of this shit would have ever happened, but it's too late now. when are you planning on being realistic with yourself? you're so optimistic, and you keep telling yourself that things will change. well guess what, nothing has changed except you.

2
what the fuck were you thinking? how could you let yourself do this? i sat by and watched you tell yourself time and time again that you wouldn't get in this predicament. well now you're here, so what are you going to do about it? there's no easy fix, i promise.

3
i don't know what to say to you. in the past, you told me numerous times exactly what was bothering me, before i even told you i was upset. do you understand me like you used to, or did you ever even understand me at all?


i never thought i would be...
on the verge of spontaneous combustion...
but i guess that it comes with the territory;
an ominous landscape of never ending calamity.
i need you to hear,
i need you to see that i have had all i can take
and exploding seems like a definite possibility to me.
so pardon me while i burst into flames...
pardon me, pardon me, i'll never be the same.

i'm an old abandoned church

with broken pews,
and empty aisles

i've recently come to the realization that i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i fucked up my first semester of college so badly that i'm going to have to take a 5th year to even graduate. my gpa is 0.867, and there's really no way to fix that. i don't even know if this is worth my time, really. college isn't for everyone, so is it for me? i know i can do it, i know i can push myself to the limit, but at what cost? i spend the next 5 years of my life in college, while trying to work a part time job on the side, graduate with a gpa that will never be good enough because i fucked it up so badly already, and then try to find a full time job to pay back $40,000 worth in student loans. none of that appeals to me. i would much rather find a full time job in a restaurant or something, drop out of college, and actually live my life with no agenda other than work, save money, and spend money.

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life. try to make ends meet, you're a slave to money, then you die.

this is a decision that can drastically alter the rest of my life, and i have no idea what i should do. i'm going insane.

E101.

there's a possibility i could pass.
but there's absolutely no way i can make a ''c or better''.
and for that class to count toward my major,
i need a ''c or better''.
i'm already signed up for it again next semester,
so there's no point in even trying to do the final portfolio.
i'm done with this shit,
there are more important things to worry about than trying to revise two papers, and write two more from scratch,
like my 100L exam tomorrow afternoon,
and my spanish exam tomorrow night.
there are things i can change,
and things beyond my control.
and this is beyond my control at this point.

in light of recent events

(note to self: write this blog sometime when you don't have a class in 10 minutes...)

i live for music

i will write music that will live on far past my lifetime,
i will compose music that is from my heart,
that will never be forgotten.
watch and see.
it is my one purpose, and love in life,
no matter what changes take place,
i was born for music, i will live for music, and i will die a great composer,
not by any means but determination and perseverance.
everything will work out in the end.

anonymous:

since when should i be concerned with living my life to the standards of someone so cowardly that they feel the need to tell me things anonymously? how about call me, or make a point to see me, because despite what you think, i'm fucking busy. i don't have much time to kill. i'm at school for godawful hours, and i FUCKING hate it. i'm not going to drop out, and i'm not going to fuck it all up. since when do you think that you can be distant from my life for months at a time, and then tell me how the fuck i should live MY life? i don't understand why you think that's ok.

i'm busy making a hole in the ozone layer...

hey remember those ratty old shoes shoes everyone wanted me to stop wearing?
you can't really tell, but they're right in the middle of that fire.
more on this later.

treehouse mix 2, if not, winter

we can't stop this now,
it's gone too far.
and now we're back to where we started,
and i can't pick myself up off the ground.
i need some help to carry on,
to find a place where i belong,
and figure out how to turn this ship around.

today we'll build a brigade with all these things we know,
bound to lead us home.
won't you take my hand,
and pick me up when i can't stand.
we've come too far to begin again,
one thing i promise we'll stay until the end.
until the end.

we keep holding on to what is ours,
even if it isn't much,
cuz we don't seem to care or mind.
we will let go of our dreams,
it's an infinite align,
with no boundaries on each side.

today we'll build a brigade with all these things we know.
bound to lead us home.
won't you take my hand,
and pick me up when i can't stand.
we've come too far to begin again,
one thing i promise we'll stay until the end.
until the end.

don't let go.
don't let go of me.

won't you take my hand,
and pick me up when i can't stand.
we've come too far to begin again,
one thing i promise,
we'll stay until the end.
we've come too far to begin again,
one thing i promise,
we'll stay until the end.
until the end.

If your intentions are pure,

i'm seeking a friend for the end of the world."

call me crazy, but i think i'm going to write a thesis paper, or an essay, or something. not because i have to, but because i have a few really awesome, (at least i think so), ideas and concepts about music and the mind that i really want to get down in writing. here's a start, but it's all you get for now. maybe i'll continue to write, and elaborate on this subject: eventually having a good many organized pages of thoughts, or maybe i'll just leave it at this one quote:

"Every emotional state of mind, whether mentally overwhelming or draining, is capable of influencing the mind and producing, whether in practice or performance, musical excellence. However, a true musician isn't tossed around like a canoe by the waves of inevitable emotions that flood the mind, but makes a conscious transformation of emotional energy to musical energy, which transcends the constricting walls of emotion, and allows for a more pure musical interpretation."

i need feedback.

i am not ashamed of the gospel of christ

it's amazing how God can scoop you off of your feet, and put your whole life into perspective, and remind you just how blessed you are. i was walking to the school of music after spanish class, and i was just across assembly street from the school of music, and this guy was sitting on a bench next to me, and he just started talking to me. turns out his name is tony and he's homeless. we sat and talked for about an hour about God, and life. God really spoke to me throughout our conversation, and reminded me of how incredibly blessed i am, and how good i really have it, but this man was probably more happy, and closer to God than i've ever been. he has no place to stay, but God takes care of him, and makes sure that he gets the things he needs. but then at the same time, he doesn't have anything to burden him. he doesn't have a house to worry about or anywhere he has to be at a certain time. his life is simple, and he just spends his days with the lord. it's amazing how i can get so caught up in "life", or what i think is life, and really forget how simple it all can be. while we were talking, he said something like this to me: you know, it doesn't really matter how bad it gets, you can lose everything like i did, i have nothing more than a few dollars to my name, and this bookbag, but things always get better. life can't really get much lower for him, because he has nothing to lose. sometimes, i just think my life is so horrible, and everything that's going wrong can seem pretty overwhelming, but life always gets better. the lord has blessed me with plenty more than i really need, he's given me a family that takes damn good care of me, and awesome friends that care about me. i'm just in awe of God's love right now, and i can't help but praise Him for the people like tony, who He places in my path, just to remind me how awesome He is.

a head that aches doesn't have to stay that way

just let what's dead go.
i know there's pain in leaving things all too well.
a heart that craves doesn't have to stay that way,
just let what's dead go.
in time, you'll find needing things only kills you slowly.
if you're not sure who you are, you're not alone.
if you're not sure what you want, you're not alone.
if you're not sure of life, of love, you're not alone.
tell your friends, hey come on over and we'll talk.
you bring the drinks, i’ll bring the bad news.
everyone feels like you...
long awaited, long overdue...
cus you can't sleep with your mind on all these things.
bring out what’s dead and dying, rotting body, while you still can.


this song gives me hope.
i don't pray anymore,
but if i did,
i would pray it gives you hope as well.

what's life to lose?

if i fail, well then i fail, but i gave it a shot

things seem to be getting better,
and i'm excited.

to fit inside your mold would be to sell myself short

turn on your tv, watch any news show, and you will be fed a biased view of our world. you will see and hear about horrible things like war, murder, etc., and you very rarely see something good on the news. for some people this is the only view of the world they will ever get. like, for instance, i've been to israel, and nothing could describe it. for me, when i think about israel, i see the rolling hills around the sea of galilee, and the beautiful stone streets in jerusalem. for someone who has never been there, they might envision the horrible scenes of war and poverty that the news portrays. two completely different visions of the same place.

two completely different views toward the same thing. so is it the rolling hills and stone streets, or the war and poverty. it's not all war and poverty, don't lie to yourself.

you have a right to your opinions, and as a friend, i'm glad you feel the need to confront me about mine. i honestly think that you know how biased your opinions are, but you ignore it. we don't have to come to an agreement about this, though it would be a hell of a lot easier if we could.

wouldn't the world be a better place with a little bit of optimistic thinking? i know that my rolling hills vision is biased, and your war and poverty vision is biased, but if both of those are wrong, then what is true about it? it is all in your perspective, and you just have such a biased opinion, that the war and poverty is dominant in what you envision. how would you know anything if you've never been there? how can you say that israel is full of war and poverty, if you've never walked on the shore of the sea of galilee at sunrise, and felt the peace and happiness that fills your body. i don't care how much you've heard or seen, you haven't been there.

you haven't,
but i have.

i'm not asking you to drop your opinion, i'm asking you to rethink it with these things in mind.

i'm cautious, and i'm not going to fuck up.

we give up all that we know of you,

it's gone.

i guess i'll start with thursday. i went and got my graduation checks cashed and filled up my gas tank for the first time in weeks. i had piano lessons, and they were a joke, as always. i ended up at the bean, and at waffle house after that. needless to say i got home late, but my mom didn't say anything. i didn't stay in the house long, because i ended up going outside and talking to morgan until 4. and once again needless to say, i was completely out of it at school friday.

after school friday i went to the river with 2 people that most of my friends don't like. it wasn't for anyone but me. i needed a breath of fresh air, and some down time and swimming. i needed a break, and i got it. i'm sorry if you don't approve of who i was there with, but if i wanted your opinion i would have asked you. i know the consequences of my actions, believe me.

for some reason i can't remember anything i did saturday except going to the bean with meagan that night.

sunday i went to church with miss kim, and i came home and went next door and hung out over there for a while. i had every intention of working on the treehouse, but that didn't really happen. that night, me and morgan met meagan and mary jo at the dam for a nice little 4 mile walk, all the way across and all the way back.

monday i went to the lake with my family, and miss kim and rachel. i got burned really bad, but it went away, and i ended up getting sick, i guess it was a combination of the fever from my sunburn and my allergies. but anyways, i don't remember falling asleep, i just passed out and woke up this morning at 10.30, i didn't go to school, but i went to the doctor to get an excuse and some allergy medicine.

overall, i've had a really great weekend. i feel completely refreshed emotionally, not so much physically though. i'm sunburned, and my head is all stopped up from my allergies. but i'm getting better. i have two more legitimate days of high school left, and i'm super excited about that.

so stick to back roads that you know,
and why don't you just go home
to where you know you will be loved

we live in a beautiful world

yeah we do, yeah we do

despite all the stress and pointless shit, i lived through the week. i got through my last high school orchestra concert without breaking down publicly. i had a great party in the treehouse after the concert and way too many pictures were taken, but it was fun. and after that denton stayed late and i had a small emotional breakdown about graduation, and about the concert... but it's ok because i got it out of my system. but i ended up only getting 2 hours of sleep that night, and i had to go play the piano accompaniment with the chorus for a competition at carowinds the next day, and i was tired as shit the whole time, but i lived. i ended up going to waffle house with meagan and heather at 11 friday night, which was super fun. it reminded me how much i miss going there all the time. but summer is right around the corner, and we're going to waffle house all the fucking time. seriously there's nothing better than going to waffle house at 2 in the morning with kristen and meagan and cass and spending hours there just talking over coffee and cloves.

saturday night i went over to denton's for tyler's bday party, and i got to hang out with denton and courtney and tyler, and all of tyler's crazy friends, and it was super fun. i ended up staying the night there, but i came home really early this morning, and ended up sleeping until around 2 i think.

good times.

the weekend has never approached any slower

the rest of this week is going to be completely insane. thursday is the orchestra concert/banquet. i have to practice the violin solo for paladio. i have to get together with rachel a few times before the concert to run through the cello duet, which we might or might not play at the concert. i get a slight break from all the insanity, because after the banquet, me and meagan are sortof planning a party in the treehouse that my mom doesn't know about yet... i have to practice this song called kyrie, because i'm playing the piano accompaniment for it with the chorus... on friday... at carowinds... for a competition. yeah, i'm real nervous about that. oh, and to top all of that off, i have to go to a "family reunion" type of thing on saturday, and i wish i was kidding.
so... paladio, duet, kyrie. i'm incredibly stressed out right now.

so may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten

it hurts to have the truth exposed.

those nasty little family secrets that nobody talks about, are better left alone. i'm sure there's more that i don't know, but i don't want to know. just this is almost too much. i don't plan on telling them that their secrets aren't secret anymore. they don't need to know, and i don't need to talk to them to get any closure. i have all the closure i need regarding this. does the truth really set you free? i don't think so. the truth hurts. it tears you apart, and it stings. some things are better left unsaid, and untouched. i'm not surprised at all, i'm just hurt. i've been in the dark about this ever since it surfaced three years ago. i never asked anyone about it, and it never came up. i just tried to tell myself that she was so drunk that she didn't know what she was talking about. i was drunk too, but i remember. you don't forget something like that very easily, no matter how out of it you are. i thank god i have you two that i can confide in about anything, including this. and i'm glad you're not going to tell them that i know. that will surface in good time. i'm just wondering when, or if, they were planning on telling me about this.

and if my lungs still let me breathe

would you be there for me?

these past few weeks have gotten progressively more stressful. my life seems just plain awful right now. orlando was horrible for the most part, but somewhat fun. bob was being a complete jerk most of the time, but not very many people agree with me on that, which makes me question whether it's just me. it kindof seems like a lot of people lately have been very short tempered with me, and quick to anger. nobody sees my point of view on things.

dear friend,
can i even call you that anymore? these past few weeks you've changed drastically. we've talked less and less, and yes, there have been times when we talked and had a good time like we used to, but for the most part that's not the case. you in particular are the person who has been the most irritable lately. you blame it on your "mood" but seriously... can you be in a bad mood for weeks on end? have i done something wrong that you're not telling me about? because you tend to do that... get mad at me for a reason that is completely obvious to you, but not so much for me, and you expect me to figure out that reason without talking to you about it. we can't have a healthy friendship if you keep on being so harsh towards me. everytime i talk to you, you have nothing good to say to me. you can't see my point of view, and you always side with whoever makes me look like the bad guy in a situation, even if i'm not in the wrong. can you be there for me? isn't that what friends are for?

since i've been grounded i've really become more and more distant from all of my "friends". it's really getting the best of me. i can only deal with so much solitude before i start to drive myself insane, and it's getting to that point now.
if there's one time in my life when i need contact with people who understand... it's now. i have about 20 days left of high school, and that's scaring me to death. i don't know what to do. i'm starting to freak out.

typically after a long blog of things that are going wrong in my life, i like to end with a paragraph about the things that are going right. jekyll and hyde performances start tomorrow, which i guess is reason to be excited. also, i'm playing the piano accompaniment for a song the chorus is playing for a competition at carowinds in a few weeks, so i get to go play music and get into carowinds for free, which is cool.

leave it to music to be the only thing going right in my life, and keeping me sane.

also...

if you haven't seen this before, i suggest you watch it now, it's hilarious.

this makes me sick

i just stumbled across this, and lost a little more faith in our government.

when i arrive will god be waiting and pacing around his throne?

will he feel a little old testament?
and will he celebrate with fire and brimstone
yeah, i admit, i am afraid of the reckoning...

i'm in a really weird mood but i have some very unspecific things i need to get off my chest, not really to anyone in particular, and in somewhat of a lyrical form, so here goes:


what are we doing?
or more appropriately, what are the people we've become doing?
we're like machines,
and we don't know anything but what's in front of us anymore.
we've become so sad and depressing,
when we're only being "ourselves".
it doesn't make sense,
nothing makes sense about us anymore.
what happened to that?
you know, those times we used to have.
they were anything but sad and depressing.

we've become numb, so fucking numb,
to everything, and nothing really matters anymore.
do you see it?
because i do, and i'm scared to death because of it.
i don't want this,
we don't deserve this.

we need change,
more than we thought we did back then,
when we really didn't know how good we had it.
but we were naive, and look where we ended up.
we prayed for this change, and now that it's here,
is it really what we had been hoping for?
or are we just left wishing that we'd never prayed for this in the first place?
we prayed for this change, and now it's here.
it's here.
we don't know what the hell happened, do we?
it snuck up on us before we could say a damn thing about it.

we've become numb, so fucking numb,
to everything, and nothing really matters anymore.
do you see it?
because i do, and i'm scared to death because of it.
i don't want this,
we don't deserve this.

sufjan is writing a symphony!

"For three nights beginning November 1, Stevens—cult-embraced purveyor of freaky chamber folk-pop—will present an actual symphonic evocation of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway. The challenges here are many-layered. Though Stevens has arranged orchestral bits for his records and taken string sections on tour, he’s never attempted anything of this complexity: writing and rehearsing a purely instrumental piece for 38 musicians...
“It’s definitely very busy,” Stevens agrees. “The piece is about constant motion and repetition. A lot of it is written in canon form, so there are repetitive sequences of chords and melodies that start to overlap and form a round. There are fugue elements as well. It introduces themes and then deconstructs them later on.”"

you can read more about it here

let's hear that string part again, because i don't think they heard it all the way out in bushnell

this weekend has been good. friday night me and meagan went to palmer's, and hayley and eric, and denton and courtney came too. it was great. we watched half of garden state, and went outside to watch the lightning storm, and it wasn't raining yet. and meagan fell in the pool, and then pushed hayley in. and then it rained, and we went inside and made confetti cupcakes with icing and sprinkles,

sorry, i just got distracted by the amazing bass line in the beginning of "they are night zombies!!..." by sufjan stevens. amazing!

so anyways, we ate cupcakes, and then everybody left. i took meagan home, and denton came over, and we stayed up late talking and listening to good music, which is always fun. saturday, i slept half the day, and i was supposed to go hang out with a few friends that night, but that never happened, so i ended up "going to waffle house" around 11ish, which was fun.

and... nothing worth mentioning happened today,
but i have a small bit i need to get off my chest:

i need to renew my hope in mankind, or at least the people around me. maybe i should hang out with different people. or maybe, i just haven't been around certain people enough, the people who keep me happy and sane. i'm sorry if you don't fit into that category. i just constantly feel let down by everyone around me, not in a personal way at all though, it seems unintentional. it seems like everyone i know has developed one of two mindsets: "i don't give a fuck, and you'd better not try to tell me otherwise", or "i'm going to tell you everything you're doing wrong". completely apathy, and overcompensation for those people who are being completely apathetic.
if you think this is about you, then it more than likely isn't.

for some reason, i feel the need to reiterate this, but for completely different reasons that i had for writing it in the first place.

i'm sorry if this post confused you, my mind is in a million different places right now.

it must be my time of the month...

i love my mom but she's crazy. first of all, i find it completely unreasonable that she makes me go to church. she gave me a choice of 2 churches, and i won't say much, other than that it's a lose lose situation. i'm at least allowed to go to any other church as long as i go to one of the churches she approved. now that i've found a church that i'm willing to go to, and actually want to go to, i still have to go to one of her approved churches. i can't just go to the church that i want to go to. and i wish she would just realize that, for one, the fact that i found a church that i legitimately want to go to is a huge step for me. also, the fact that i'm willing to deal with all the shit she gives me for going there, just so i can go to there, is also saying a lot. because she's trying so incredibly hard to find something wrong with the shack, and she won't let it go. i found a church that i actually want to go to every time they have an event, and not because my friends go there, it's because it's a place where i can actually feel god working. and apparently that's not enough for her.
also, she has this really bad habit of thinking that she can control any part of my life, by repeated nagging. she gets upset about things i'm putting off, and feels like it's her job to remind me to do them. even if it's something that doesn't even concern her. i'm so glad that it won't be long before i'm out of this house, because i honestly can't remain sane for much longer living with her. she doesn't realize that there's only so much she can do for me, and after that, things are my problem. college is my problem, a job is my problem, school is my problem. there's nothing she can do to make me turn in things for college on time, and there's no way she can make me get a job. as much as i want to turn in college stuff on time, and as much as i want to get a job, there's nothing she can do about it. and it almost gets to the point where i'm starting to procrastinate things, and not do things just to prove a point to her that i can handle my own life.
i'm not going anywhere with this rant, but i feel a whole hell of a lot better because of it.
god bless your soul if you read all that.

trial one, day one

palmer is brilliant. actually, i'm not sure if it was his idea, but i'm just going to pretend it was. he gave me this idea, so i made a cd last night, from a playlist on my itunes,
with this intention/goal:
you can only listen to one cd for the rest of your life. it has to be 80 minutes long. make this cd.

this is my cd, trial one:
1/ the beatles, eleanor rigby
2/ brand new, the quiet things that no one ever knows
3/ brand new, jesus christ
4/ brand new, soco amaretto lime
5/ death cab for cutie, marching bands of manhattan
6/ death cab for cutie, brothers on a hotel bed
7/ death cab for cutie, transatlanticism
8/ imogen heap, hide and seek
9/ jack johnson, do you remember
10/ jump, little children, close your eyes
11/ manchester orchestra, where have you been
12/ the postal service, the district sleeps alone tonight
13/ secret lives, make like a door and shut up
14/ secret lives, a song of hope
15/ secret lives, how to beat a dead horse
16/ the spill canvas, the tide
17/ sufjan stevens, concerning the ufo sighting near highland, illinois
18/ sufjan stevens, john wayne gacy, jr.

i'm kindof impressed with how well it turned out. i can actually stand listening to it over and over. but what i'm planning on doing, is listening to only this cd, until i realize what songs i need to add/remove. this is trial one. i'm predicting at least 3 or 4 more trials until i get it "perfect". i'll keep everyone updated on how things are going. but i've already realized that i can live without the spill canvas. i keep skipping that song. also, i foresee having to have a bigger variety of genres, because this cd has a great sound, but i don't think i could live with it forever. i need variety.

He is risen,

He is risen, indeed!

Today was unexplainable. I went to the shack for their easter service, and amazing doesn't even begin to describe it. god is so real to me in that place, sitting in an old house with people on couches and fold up chairs, with the water in the fishtank gurgling in the background, and a guy standing up with a bible teaching, and then eating lots of food that people cooked and brought, or cooked in the kitchen of the shack before we started, which wasn't on time, but never is, and that's ok, because it feels right not to have such a set in stone schedule for things like that. i realize that what i just wrote was probably a whole paragraph crammed into one sentence, but i'm ok with that. i've gotten through today, with an amazing peace of mind that was obviously not based on circumstances, because crazy doesn't even begin to describe the way my parents have been acting today, but it's been more based on a genuine happiness that has come from such amazing fellowship with all these wonderful people, and a strangely unfamiliar awareness of god's general existence, and presence around me, neither of which i feel comfortable being unfamiliar with, but i realize that things don't always go as planned, and even though god's presence hasn't felt very prominent in my life lately, he hasn't gone anywhere, and things are getting better.

deep breath.

today at shack, towards the end of the teaching, joey? asked us all to bow our heads, and close our eyes. and what he said next caught me completely off guard. he said, i want you all to just imagine... imagine what your life would be like right now if god hadn't played any role in your past, and hadn't affected your lifestyle or your decisions. now, i want you to think about what would fill that place that god fills in your life right now. what would be your god, or maybe has even somewhat become your god right now.
now i realize that his quote has lost some meaning and power on account of my bad memory and misquotation, and also taking into account that you're probably not sitting in the shack right now deep in meditation about the meaning of easter, and our covenant with god, ...but you get the general idea.
i just thought i would get that out there.

i will choose to remember everything good about today, and every laugh i've shared with the people around me, and every conversation that has left me deep in thought, and every word that god has spoken to me today through the most unexpected of sources. i will not let my parents being completely stupid, and heartless, cause me forget any of this.

streams of mercy never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
praise the mount, i'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy unchanging love.

if vivaldi had written words to his four seasons,

i would type them here.


the beach trip saturday was amazing, and everything that i needed as far as a small getaway from the all the stress involved in the last semester of my senior year in high school. it really was a day of relaxation and fun with some amazing friends. we got to spend a few hours on the beach, and eat a late lunch at this really amazing local small restaurant, and spend a little bit of time in downtown charleston. and of course we had a really fun drive, killing time by playing "never have i ever" and a license tag game where you make acronyms for the letters on the tag. and when we weren't doing that we were singing along with some really amazing music. besides barely missing the tornado storm, we had a really great time.

oh, and i also got a really nice sunburn. seriously, i looked like a lobster.

saturday night i went to waffle house with cass and kristen and some other people, and we drank coffee and killed time, like we always do when there's nothing else to do, which is pretty much all the time, since we live in bfe.

other than that, my life has been going pretty good lately. my mom and i are still kindof on rough terms, but leave it to fafsa to bring us together. we sat on her bed with my computer for an hour and a half tonight filling out a fafsa form online, only to find out that we had been filling out an application on the wrong fafsa site, and this one charged a fee. so we're going to do the right one tomorrow after i get out of school. but we sat on her bed and talked for a little bit after we wasted an hour and a half on the wrong fafsa site. i think things in our relationship are getting better, or at least i'd like to hope so. she worries too much for me, and it's only because she wants to help. there's only so much she can do to help me out with college things, and after that, it's all my problem. we're both starting to realize that, and it's helping the stress and tension in our relationship a whole bunch.

things are getting better.

it's a great feeling to know

that all of the shit we've been through together has left us with such an irreplaceable friendship.

i had possibly the most meaningful conversation of my life tonight. actually, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was the most meaningful and helpful, and uplifting conversation i've ever had.

the past has such a strange power to control the present. it can haunt us, and leave us in such a depressed state of mind, or it can be used as such a great tool to help us move forward to bigger and better things. i've been in both situations, and i have to say, that i'm glad that the latter is where i am now, and am choosing to be in the future. i've been controlled by my past before, and found that it's no way to live my life. dwelling on past relationships, or past circumstances, or all the "what if's" that the past tries to throw at us, is a sad situation to be in. i've been there, and i've done some pretty stupid things to try to get rid of or forget my past, but i'm at a different place in my life now.

now i look back at my past in such a different manner. i'm so glad that i'm at a point in my life, where i can look back at things that have happened, and some not so great choices that i've made, and realize that they have shaped me into the person i am today, and that they've left me with such amazing friends, and opened up so many great opportunities for me. i see the person i could be right now, and the situations i could be in, and by that i appreciate all of the good and bad times that have brought me to this point.

i'll look back, with honor
and no regrets
i won't be mad, won't feel bad
these memories will never leave me
don't be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
it's getting too late
tomorrow is here

i've come so far from the person i was a year or two ago, and i look back, not with a "what was i thinking" attitude, but an appreciative one. i am so thankful for the good and bad times that have taught me so much about life, love, friendship, and happiness. i can't imagine what kind of life i would have if a change of events in the past would've kept me from meeting any of my friends that i rely on so much now, on a daily basis for my sanity and security. i'm thankful for everything that has brought me to where i am today. i have amazing friends, who are not merely acquaintances, but more like family, who i love and can trust with my life.

there's one person who i have grown to love on such an amazing level, who i would like to address:
i've told you this. but every time that i tell you i love you, i'm not simply repeating a nice phrase to be paired with "goodbye" when talking on the phone, nor am i speaking words of no substance. every time i say i love you, i am telling you that you are a friend i couldn't have lived without in the past, and one i can't live without now. i am reminding you that i will be there not for you, but with you, in the good times and the bad. and i'm telling you that as a friend, i completely trust you, and support you in whatever decisions you make in the future. i won't hesitate to tell you when you're doing something stupid, and know that you'll do the same for me. every time i tell you that i love you, i mean it.

but even at our swiftest speed, we couldn't break from the concrete

in the city where we still reside

i just completely bombed my audition. i did almost perfect on the chopin prelude, but the mozart fantasy was horrible. i played completely wrong notes on parts that i've never messed up on before. the runs and arpeggios were a complete fucking disaster. the sightreading piece was incredibly easy, and under normal circumstances i would've played it perfectly, but i ruined it. i'm trying really hard not to beat myself up over this, but i fucked up really bad. i definitely didn't play my best, by far. actually, i don't know if i've ever played that bad before in my life. it was fucking horrible. i'll be extremely surprised if i get an acceptance letter. but there's nothing i can do about it now, just wait for the spring semester so i can reaudition.

i'm so stressed out right now. i really can't believe that this just happened.
i feel sick, and i've been shaking since i got out of the audition almost 2 hours ago.

i'm completely fucking disgusted with myself right now.

standing here, on top of what they built

we'll sleep just fine tonight,
so let's go,
we'll sleep just fine.

this time it lasts forever,
this time,
this.

no day but today.

i live this moment as my last. there's only us, there's only this.

now is all i have. i have no past, only memories and reminders of it. i have no future, only hopes for one. i have only now, and now is when i choose to live. life goes on.

i can hardly see what's in front of me these days

it's just come to my realization that sleep deprivation is my drug. i'm really not sure how to feel about that. i've become dependent on a lack of sleep, and that's a bad place to find yourself. it's like i've lost so much sleep in the past few month, that it's become a regular thing for me. sure i get sleep occasionally, in large quantities, like coming home from school one day, and falling asleep at 4.15 or 4.30pm, and waking up at 7.50 the next morning for school.

but i've become so adapted to this sleeping pattern, or lack thereof, that i don't really know what to do. i'm living my life in a sleepless, glassy eyed haze, but it's not nearly as miserable as i would've expected. i kindof like it. i'll get so little sleep one night that i absolutely have to keep myself busy at school the next day to keep from passing out. it actually helps my attention span, because i can only focus on one thing at a time. since my mother is convinced i have nothing wrong with my attention span, it's all i can do. but if i get too much sleep, all of the energy goes straight to my brain, making sure that i can't focus on one thing for too long. but this i can control. it's a direct cause and effect situation.

i walk around in my own world, barely functioning properly, but getting soooo much done! but at any time i can retreat inside myself, completely tune everyone out, and be oblivious to the world, lost in thought. i'll find myself listening to someone talk to me, and then realize that i've been zoning out for the past 5 or even 10 minutes. staring blankly through whatever is in front of me.

this can't be healthy, but i've found it to be a safe place. it's just like any other drug, it's a way to escape. i'll find myself in a whole different world. like, hearing everyday noises, but being so out of it, that they sound like something completely different. it's a way to find humor in the small things that happen throughout the day, and laugh hysterically. i like this new world i've discovered. and i can access it at such little price, just a simple loss of sleep leaves me walking around in it. and if i ever find myself with something on my mind, i can change it, there's never nothing to think about. there's never something that i can't get out of my mind, because there's always something more interesting to look at and think about. the angles of the shadows of things around the room, the way the shadows have layers, the rhythm of the faint flicker in the fluorescent bulbs in the ceiling.

i desperately need to do one of these things.

person 1,
i picked you first because you've been on my mind a lot for the past few days, for obvious reasons. we can't throw our friendship away, purposefully or accidentally. we've been through too much shit together, and we've overcome countless things like this in the past. i don't plan on letting this get the best of us. you've been such an incredible influence in my life for the past few years, and i think it's safe to say that you played a major role in shaping me into the person i am today. i know that time and time again we have come to this same realization, but it's become so incredibly urgent now, that i don't think we realize how reliant our sanity has become on one another. we need to do what is right, and we both know what that is. our friendship means more to me than any situation like this that has came up in the past, and will come up in the future. i'm ready if you are, but god knows it won't be easy.

person 2,
i know that you won't read this, but that's irrelevant. i'm really glad that we're friends. i see a lot of myself in you, and that scares the hell out of me. i really hope that one day, you will find what you want out of life, and i hope to god this is not it.

person 3,
i love you, i really do. i'm glad that you're happy, and content for now. you've found your own place in the world, one that nobody would've seen coming a year ago. don't let yourself get trapped inside this person that you portray yourself to be. a role model is a big shoe to fill, but don't let yourself run to escape it. everybody has their flaws, you can't hide yours forever.

person 4,
i know you better than anyone else. i've been there with you through it all, and you've fucked up big time. it's really hard to get back up on your feet, but you can do it. i want so bad for you to find yourself lost and alone with nowhere to go but up, and that is the best thing that could happen to you right now. but that's not going to happen. you have too many people who are willing to go through way too much shit for you. you don't deserve half of it. but you have it. you're getting back up, and you have people who love you, people who genuinely care about you, who are willing to do most anything to help you get where you're going. now all you have to do is convince yourself that you can. and you can, i know you can. but you just have to go for it, full speed ahead, give it your everything, don't back down, don't let up, and you'll be exactly where you need to be a month or two from now. i fucking hate you.

but my head's to the wall and i'm lonely

i can't think of a better place to update my blog than the bean. i miss this place so much, because i haven't been here but once this year, and that was friday, and it doesn't really count, because i didn't stay, and nobody was here that i knew. me and eishlay just came in to get jones soda, and went back out to her car to watch requiem for a dream, which turned out to be an amazing movie, but didn't really have much of an apparent rhyme or reason behind it. actually, it confused the hell out of me. regardless, we had a good time watching it in her car in the parking lot of the old mill. we watched half here, and then went back to my house and watched the rest of it. that was the first day i got off of restriction, and it was most definitely a good day. we hung out a lot before we came here, but the important part is that we watched that movie.
on another note, my mom thinks i'm depressed because i haven't been going to church lately. i think it's because i was on restriction for all of january, and at the end of january i got sick and didn't go to school for a week. sounds reasonable, right? i honestly just don't know what it is, but i'm not going to continue posting blogs about it.
mel's coming to lexington and staying with me this friday, and i'm real excited. i haven't seen him in months, and i need some mel in my life right now.
did i mention i'm real excited?
i'm considering putting off college for a semester, or a year. it would only make my life about ten times easier. i don't know if that's a smart move, but it would take a whole lot of stress off of me. maybe i'll go to tech for a semester, or a year.

i have no idea what i'm doing with my life,
but the scary thing is,
i'm not really worried about it.
the world is not going to end if i don't go to college directly out of high school.

these past few days

have been really hard, and i have no idea why.
this is going to be more like a rant than an actual blog.

i need the smell of summer,
i need it's noises in my ear.

i'm starting to realize that i've lost a lot of the drive and ambition that i used to have. it's almost like i'm depressed, but for no one reason. i think that it's just everything that's going on. i'm getting really frustrated with having no money, and needing money to pay for gas, and car insurance, and piano lessons, and other things that i want to buy, like coffee and books. right now my parents are helping me out the best they can, but they flat out told me that they can't pay for these things for me anymore. i need a job, but it's like everywhere i go they're either not hiring, or either they're hiring during the day.

i'm losing my excitement. i'm not really excited about college anymore, i'm just more frustrated than anything, mostly financially. i haven't been filling out scholarship applications, and it's not like i don't feel like i need to, because i know that the only way i'm going to be able to pay for college is with a lot of scholarships, and maybe some financial aid. but i've been so unproductive lately that it scares me. it scares me because i don't feel the need to change it. and this is my last semester of high school also, so i should be ready to put everything aside, and focus on grades, and college, and money. but it's like i can't put my ambitions where i know they should be.

right now the only thing i can really focus on is trying to not be at home as much as possible. it's like my mom runs around the house looking for things that i should be doing, so that she can come in my room and say, hey matthew, you need to do this, and that. and then an hour later she'll come in here again to remind me of something else. and all i can do is wonder how i've become so behind on everything in my life.

i'm still grounded, which i think is playing a key role in all of this depression and stress that i'm going through. it's like there's nothing new going on that seems important to me. i just started new classes for this semester, and i should feel like that's a fresh start, and i should feel like these are all new opportunities, but instead it just gets depressing. i'm ready to get out of high school, because i'm sick of it! i'm sick of everything about it. i don't even think seeing all of these classmates and friends that i've become so familiar with is helping the situation either. i don't want to do this anymore, but i know i have to, and i know that there's only a matter of a few months left.

but it scares me to think about how unprepared i am for what's about to happen. i have no job, and no ambition to get one, even though i know i have to have one... like now.

i really want to move out, but the issue of no job is holding me back from that. and if i did move out, i wouldn't be stupid about it. i would probably get an apartment with rachel in columbia, and just drive to school from there everyday, and get a job there as well. but honestly i have no idea what i'm going to do.

my mom has noticed that something's wrong with me. it's about time. she talked to rachel earlier today and said that she thinks i'm depressed, and she's worried about my school, and she said that she thinks i'm going to end up going to tech. now, i wouldn't mind going to tech, but it's not exactly the drastic change that i've been looking forward to.

maybe i just need a change to all of this monotony in my life right now. rachel said something about going camping at the lake as soon as it starts to warm up a little, and i think that sounds like a great idea. i think what i need right now, is to just get out of the god awful house for a few days, and be able to be on an island in the middle of the lake with my closest friends who i miss so much, and sit around a campfire listening to someone play guitar. that sounds like paradise to me right now.

maybe all of this staying at home so much is just getting to me.


feel like every chance to leave,
is another chance i should have took.
every minute is a mile.
i've never felt so hollow.
i'm an old abandoned church
with broken pews and empty aisles.

everyone should listen to this

these kinds of things don't happen on accident,
that's all i'm going to say.

http://www.thewebshite.net/nickelback.htm

the process goes so slow

but keep faith,
keep faith.

today was yet another great day, and for that i'm thankful. it started out with a really great lunch with courtney at aron's? deli, where we stuffed our faces with some really great sandwiches dipped in an amazing special sauce. we left there and went to the pet store to get courtney a beta fish, which was a mistake. never, ever, should two people as indecisive as us, be given 30 choices of fish. we were there for at least an hour, looking at fish. we would find one with a big tail, but it would have an ugly face, so we would pick out another one, but the color wouldn't be right.
we finally settled on a nice, medium sized pink one, with a cute face and decent sized fins.
so, after we took hamster [she had already picked out a name] to courtney's dorm room, we went to starbucks and susan and mike met us up there.

eventually, we all ended up back in madison's dorm, and palmer and denton came over too. turns out, madison just bought a bunny yesterday. yes, a real live hopping bunny rabbit, that she named marilyn. it is by far the cutest little bunny i've ever seen, and it's a tanish white color, so madison says that it's blonde. and she's keeping it in her dorm room, which is against the school rules but shouldn't be. so, we all sat in madison's dorm, playing with marilyn, while courtney cooked us all spaghetti. when the food was ready, all of us sat in the kitchen and ate spaghetti. and somehow, we all ended up as a family, and courtney and palmer were the parents, and madison and denton were the neighbors, and susan, me, and mike were the kids. that led to a lot of interesting conversation, about heredity, and sibling love, and sex changes?! that's all i'm going to say.

so, a little more on the serious side, after our epic spaghetti family dinner, i went with courtney, palmer, denton, and madison to shack, and i'm so glad i went. they had house church, and there were ten people there, five of them being us, and we just basically had an open group discussion the whole time. we talked about our breaks from school, and trying to get back into the routine of things, and we talked about reviving our friendships with god, and we prayed, which was the most awesome part of the whole night.

all in all, i'm really excited about the possibility of actually being able to go to shack on a regular basis. i really feel like that's where i'm supposed to be right now, not only because courtney and denton go there, but because it's refreshing. i don't need to be in a church that constantly talks about finances, and is always focused on giving money to in turn, receive from god. that kind of corruption had made me so disgusted with christianity, that i had basically given up. it's only in the past few weeks that i've began trying to rebuild my relationship with god. because up until now, i haven't really been at a place mentally where i actually could begin to try to start over. i mean, how could i have began to justify to myself that christianity is good, when i was still attending a church that just spent $13,000 in tithe money for new chairs and a new sound system, and paint for the sanctuary.

but, all of that behind me, it's refreshing to finally go to a church that focuses on the things that i need to focus on. it's refreshing to go to a church where i don't have to pretend. i can be myself, and not have to worry about someone judging me. i need that kind of environment, a place where i feel close to god, without feeling out of place or awkward. i don't have anyone looking at me funny because of my piercings, because most of them have piercings too. this is church as it was meant to be, a group of people in jeans and tshirts, sitting on couches drinking coffee, and talking about god.
i'm really excited about this.


ps. i'm about to start reading the screwtape letters, by c.s. lewis!

blame it on this southern weather

tonight it snowed!

the rest of my day is completely irrelevant. except, i finally finished reading irresistible revolution. but back to the snow: my mom decided that, given the circumstances, it couldn't hurt to let me see my friends. so me and my brother went over to kristen's neighborhood to play in the snow with her, jordan, meagan, kristen, josh, and a few other random kids that just showed up. and there was lots of hot chocolate, and a snowball fight that never actually ended, and some really deformed snow angels, and a bunch of wandering around aimlessly in the neighborhood, just to enjoy the snow. but for the few hours we were over there, we had an amazing time.

kristen and i finally gave birth to our first child.
a girl, named laquesha.

and by the end of the night, none of us had feeling in our fingertips,
but it was worth it.
and after all of that, i got to come home and fall asleep in a chair next to the fireplace.

and tomorrow promises to be even better,
because i'm going out to lunch with courtney!

This was a fairly productive day

i went job hunting today with meagan and we got almost nothing done. we drove all around lexington, and the only place that was actually taking applications was wendy's, so i applied there. i'm actually surprised that my mom let meagan come with me though, since i'm supposed to be grounded. i think my "not seeing my friends is depressing" speech that i gave her the other day is actually working, because when we got back, she let meagan stay here for a few hours before i had to take her home.
well, now that i really think about it, today hasn't really been that productive. unless you count me using almost a quarter tank of gas just riding around lexington for two hours.

i'm almost done with irresistible revolution, i only have two chapters left.
i think i'm going to go read some of that, and go to bed.

also, if anyone can give me any useful insight/opinions about my last blog, that would be great. because honestly, i have no idea what i'm going to do.

And I have learned

that even landlocked lovers
yearn for the sea
like navy men.


I just found out today that my grandparents are going back to Israel in April with some people they know, and a few people from a church in Florida. It's going to be a prayer trip, and they're going to specific places around the country to pray, and worship. They told me that there is room for one more person to go, but that the trip costs $3,100. I seriously cried when I heard that. It's been about 4 years since I've been over there, and I want to go back so bad. Not out of selfishness, or even out of excitement to travel. There's no way to explain how much you grow to love that place when you're there, and how you feel a part of you is missing when you come back here. For my whole life, I've never felt God the way I felt him over there. It is unexplainable, and it's something that I miss really bad.
I know that if God wants me to go on this trip, then it's going to happen, and I'm not going to have to pay for any of it. I'm going to start praying about it, that if I'm supposed to go with them, that he would provide the money. Because even if my parents had the money to afford this, it's not something I could ask of them.
The only downside to this, is that I would miss about 2 weeks of school. But I've done it before, and I know that I could keep it from affecting my grades. There's nothing keeping me from going on this trip except money.
Please pray for me. Pray that God will show me what to do.

did you hear the sound of the sun

rising from the ground?



today is going to be a good day. i slept in until about 2, and went outside and it's 60 degrees, in january. so i'm wearing shorts and a tshirt right now, and my bedroom window is opened, and the back door to the house is opened, and there's a little breeze blowing through the house. i feel like being productive today. so i'm going to go on the porch and read some of irresistible revolution.

ps. you should listen to this:
www.myspace.com/matthewsmusicpage.

ps.iloveyou

I'm going to cry.
I am truly blessed to have you as such a significant part of my life.
You give me sanity and peace in times of frantic confusion,
and you never cease to amaze me.



I will love you until the end.

There is a feeling that you should just go home

and spend a lifetime
finding out just where that is.

These past few weeks I've been so unproductive with my life that I don't even know how to begin to try to fix things. I've slacked off in school, so I might end up taking my exam for PSDM just to get a decent final grade. I've brought up my grades in English and Marine Bio, so I'm happy with that.
But I'm really not sure where to start with the rest of my life. I am grounded for something I shouldn't have done to begin with. Because of that, I don't even get to spend time with the people who I rely on so much for my sanity. I definitely brought that on myself.
On top of that, I can't even remember the last time I practiced my audition music. There's a lot weighing on my audition, and It makes me sick when I look at how slack I've become at keeping up with it. I also have to get a job, because my parents can't really pay for anything for me anymore, just for food and a house to live in. I have more than $300 due for my truck insurance in the beginning of February, and that's less than a month away.
I haven't done anything to solve any of these issues.
I've only procrastinated, and that has done nothing but bring me to where I am right now:
Frustrated, confused, and stressed out.
I haven't even gotten any legitimate reading done lately. I need to finish reading Irresistible Revolution, which I started months ago. That also brings me to another point I should address: my relationship with God. I can't even remember the last time I prayed, or even read my bible. I have gotten so caught up in life that I've traded what should be the most important thing in my life for "more important things".
He should be the reason I wake up in the mornings, and He should be who I turn to when I don't know what to do. He should be the person I rely on more than anyone else, and He should be the person that keeps me sane.
Instead, I've chose to rely on everything else possible to keep my life in working order.
I've only lied to myself to get to where I am spiritually right now. I've grown disgusted with everything to do with God, and I think it's high time to do something about that.
So now this leaves me right back where I began, which is: where do I start?
As far as school and college goes, I have homework, so doing that would be a start, and after that I should most definitely practice, and start trying to pick out two more pieces to play for my audition. I think that after I get all of that out of the way, I should sit down with a cup of coffee and read a few chapters of Irresistible Revolution.
That sounds like a nice way to end my day.
Tomorrow I will start working on fixing everything else.

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea like navy men.

All these days slip by us

So, I woke up sick this morning, and didn't go to school. But I really needed a day off anyways. I'm growing to hate that school more and more as this year progresses, but I'm just going to have to learn to endure to the end, which is less than 5 months away. That's something I really can't fathom. The only thing that's going to get me through the rest of my senior year is a careful balance of friends, hard work, and a lot of coffee.

I finally set up my audition for the school of music at USC, which means from now until March 1st, I'm going to be a nervous wreck. I need a Romantic piece, and an Impressionist piece, or a Modern piece. I have no idea what I'm going to play really, but I have one Classical song under my belt, so I guess that counts for something.

I need to stay focused, and practice hours and hours every day.
I can't screw this up.

I guess I have a little to look forward to though, because I have my first real Senior privilege next week. Seniors don't have school Tuesday through Friday because of exams, and if I remember right, everyone has Monday and Tuesday of the next week off, so I have an 8 day break from school coming up. This is exciting. I'm hoping I get to have lunch a few times in Columbia with my great college friends, and spend lots of late nights at the old mill.

I might even get to go to waffle house at a decent hour of the night if my mom ever decides to unground me. I guess that's my fault to begin with. My mom keeps bringing up something about consequences for my actions.
I don't really know what all that's about.


So here's my to do list for the next few months, in order of obvious importance:
Practice audition music
Apply for scholarships
Bring my grades back up to A's and B's
Finish reading Irresistible Revolution
Get a job
Spend less time on the computer
Return things I've borrowed from people.
Finish reading Velvet Elvis
Finish reading Eragon


Courtney:
So the other day, I downloaded Belle and Sebastian's album The Life Pursuit, because I saw them on your Last.fm profile. Then last night I had a dream that you were listening to one of their songs, and I said something like "Hey, isn't this Belle and Sebastian?", and I remember exactly what you said back to me, just like it really happened. You said:
"Yeah! Oh my God, you actually do listen to real music!"

I'm pretty sure I actually laughed out loud in my sleep.

And today leaves me in deep thought.

I've had an amazing day, probably because I spent it with Courtney, Susan, Hayley, Palmer, Rachel, Sam, and Meagan. We went to a really cheap, really good taco place in 5 points for lunch, then went to Starbucks for some really great coffee. Somehow we all ended up back at the bean, and I went with Palmer, Rachel, Sam, Susan, and Courtney back to Palmer's to watch a great movie, and eat some of his mom's amazing chip dip. And to top off this amazing day, on the way back to Susan's to get my truck, we had a really great talk, that left me thinking about what great friends I have. And all of this thinking has lead me back to this one quote:

"In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices."
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat.Pray.Love.

This whole day has made me genuinely happy.
I am truly blessed.